Takoma Park Announces Status as ‘Nuance-Free Zone’

TAKOMA PARK, MD – Following a decisive 4-3 vote, Takoma Park officially declared itself a “Nuance-Free” zone, ensuring all future debates are conducted without the distraction of context, tradeoffs, or acknowledging that two things might be true at the same time.

“Nuance slows progress,” said Deputy City Manager for Values Alignment and Yard Sign Compliance Meredith Kline. “It leads to phrases like ‘It depends,’ which are frankly exclusionary.”

Like the now-defunct Nuclear-Free Committee, the Nuance-Free Committee will advise the city on taking firm, dogmatic positions on complex issues, determining once and for all which side is “good” and which is “evil.” Its jurisdiction will include housing, bike lanes, leaf blowers, fireworks, off-leash dogs, and – most urgently -whether residents must shovel their sidewalks immediately after a blizzard or not at all. 

“One side says that everyone must shovel within four hours or face hefty fines. The other side says that shoveling represents colonial notions of property,” said Nuance-Free Committee Chair Alan Bernstein. “Both sides agree there is no middle ground, and that’s what brings us together.”

To enforce the policy, the city formed the 5-member Nuance-Free Committee representing residents who are absolutely certain they are right. Members include a retired professional with unlimited meeting availability, a recent arrival furious about how everything has changed, a communist living off stock dividend payments, a vegan, and a person who fundamentally misunderstands most issues but speaks with great confidence.

“Before, people had long debates about economic impacts, sustainability, and funding methods,” said longtime resident Sheila Morton. “Now I can just say ‘This will destroy Takoma Park as we know it’ and sit down. It’s much more efficient.”

Housing and development debates will also benefit. Proposed development projects will now be classified as either “Inhumane” or “Gentrifying” during open testimony at City council meetings. Committee members confirmed that phrases like “It’s complicated” or “There are tradeoffs” will trigger immediate microphone shutoff and a gentle suggestion that the speaker may prefer living somewhere else.

The Mayor and entire city council praised the move as a step towards a more transparent and honest government. “Nobody comes to Takoma Park for compromise,” the Mayor said. “They come here to be right.”