SHA Rolls Out New ‘Optional’ Speed Bumps on Carroll Avenue For Drivers Who Don’t Feel Like Slowing Down

TAKOMA PARK, MD — In a bold new traffic-calming strategy the Maryland State Highway Administration (SHA) installed a series of “optional” speed bumps on Carroll Avenue, intentionally narrow enough for drivers to simply swerve around them if they don’t want to slow down.

“This is the future of traffic safety,” said SHA spokesperson Linda Craycroft, proudly gesturing at the bump as a Toyota RAV4 zipped through the gap at 45 mph. “We realized people hate slowing down, so we thought, why fight it? Now everyone wins: pedestrians get the illusion of safety, and drivers get to maintain their God-given right to barrel through Takoma Park like they’re late for a lacrosse game in Bethesda.”

The new design stems from what officials are calling a compromise between community input and driver entitlement. The original proposal called for standard full-lane speed humps, but SHA engineers found that making them optional reduced installation costs, public complaints, and the number of passive-aggressive Nextdoor posts by approximately 37%.

Residents have already noticed the change. “I feel so much safer now that there are these little decorations in the street,” said local resident Martha Dean while clutching her reusable grocery bag. “Before, cars would just speed through. Now, they speed through in the opposite lane.”

Some drivers say the bumps are an improvement over previous designs. “I hate those traditional speed bumps,” said area driver Paul Leadfoot. “They force me to slow down, potentially causing me to spill my iced latte. But these new ones allow me the option of driving into the bike lane to avoid the major inconvenience of having to use my brakes.”

When asked for comment, SHA congratulated themselves on not receiving any backlash from Takoma Park drivers, and confirmed they’re also exploring “Stopping is Encouraged” signs and speed limits with shrug emojis.