Little League Player Ejected For Not Wearing Enough Pieces of Flair

WILLIAMSPORT, PA – Parents were left stunned Saturday when 12-year-old shortstop Mason “Drippy” Henderson was ejected from the Little League World Series for failing to meet the minimum number of fashion accessories now expected of youth baseball players.

“It may be one of baseball’s many ‘unwritten rules,’ but it just shows a lack of youth baseball team spirit if a player steps up to the plate without wearing fully customized shin guards, arm sleeves, sunglasses, elbow guards, batting gloves, necklaces, bracelets, and a sliding mitt in their back pocket,” said Little League President Patrick Wilson, leaning on his $480 custom painted fungo bat. “Now, it’s up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare minimum. Or…well, like Brian, for example, has 37 pieces of flair, okay. And a terrific smile.”

The controversy comes as youth baseball increasingly mirrors a fashion runway where utility takes a back seat to flair. Players were stunned to learn that sunglasses were originally designed to block the sun, not for the brim of a hat like a shiny badge of coolness whenever ESPN cameras pan to a Little Leaguer botching a ground ball.

Officials are also grappling with the growing “eye black epidemic.” Once a smudge under the eyes to reduce glare, it has evolved into full tribal paint jobs, superhero masks, and in one case, a full Batman cowl. “We had to regulate this really fast,” said a spokesperson for the Little League Commissioner. “If a kid’s covering 80% of his face, we’re no longer in ‘baseball accessory’ territory. We’re in ‘unintentional Blackface’ territory, and we simply can’t have that on national television.”

Parents report spending upwards of $3,000 per season on flair alone, not including bats, gloves, or the commemorative gold chains that jingle like wind chimes in the dugout.

As for Mason, he plans to appeal his ejection. “I didn’t have my sliding mitt because it’s back-ordered on Amazon, but I have florescent-colored grip tape on my $600 dollar bat,” he said tearfully. “You know, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there, Brian, why don’t you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?”