‘Parker’ the Parking Lot Robot Decommissioned by County, Immediately Leased by Takoma Park to Patrol Co-op Lot

TAKOMA PARK, MD – Just days after being unceremoniously decommissioned by the Montgomery County Council, Parker, the once-controversial parking lot robot, has found a new lease on life as the City of Takoma Park’s new full-time guardian of the TPSS Co-op parking lot.

“Parker is more than a robot,” said Councilmember Honzak, who sponsored the resolution. “He’s a symbol of resistance. Of justice. Of preventing someone from Bethesda parking at our co-op just because they want to try ‘hippie milk.’”

While Montgomery County initially leased Parker for a modest pilot-program fee of $100,000 and a promise not to make him “too self-aware,” Takoma Park’s contract with Parker – now recognized as a full-time municipal union employee – will cost city taxpayers $337,000 annually, plus benefits.

Fitted with a rainbow-flag license plate reader and a photovoltaic bucket hat, Parker’s primary directive has been reprogrammed from general security surveillance to a more active mission: *PROTECT LOT FROM OUTSIDE DEVELOPMENT BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.*

According to city documents, Parker’s tasks will include ticketing vehicles without visible progressive bumper stickers, recording illegal conversations about possible development of the lot and sending them directly to the Takoma Park Police, and preventing delivery trucks from blocking traffic on Carroll Avenue as dictated by the refusal to approve a workable alternative.

But not everyone is thrilled.

“I just think this is excessive,” said Councilmember Schlegel during a heated budget session. “I did some research online and found an Amazon Basics version of a parking enforcement robot for only $179.99. Sure, it’s refurbished, but it still beeps and comes with free cloud storage. We could’ve at least tried the economy droid.”

Still, Parker has displayed an amazingly swift adaptation to Takoma Park’s particular municipal culture. Soon after starting work, he declared himself president of the “Surface Parking Lot Historic Society,” an organization and title he invented and engraved on his own nameplate. Now armed with hundreds of online PhDs obtained in mere seconds, he spends the majority of his time inside his new “Ask Parker” booth, lecturing residents on everything from leaf collection geopolitics to bioswale ethics to the tyranny of traffic laybys.