DAYTON, OH — In a heartwarming tale of delusion, local factory worker and part-time Lyft driver Carter Morris, 31, made headlines today after boldly declaring that America truly cares for people like him, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
“If we keep working hard and stay hopeful, the system will reward us,” said Morris, while trying to determine if he should buy groceries or pay the electric bill. “Plus, its helpful to know that my government always has my back.”
Sources say Morris formed this opinion shortly after a U.S. senator used the phrase “working families” three times in a press release, and a healthcare corporation aired a commercial of a patient smiling in a hospital bed.
According to friends, Morris also hilariously believes he’ll be able to buy a house someday, has faith that Social Security will still exist when he’s 70, and that “America-First” actually means Americans like him.
“Bless his heart,” said roommate Alicia while rationing one Hot Pocket between three people. “Every time he talks about how great the America Dream is, and how he loves living in a country where anyone can ‘make it’, we just can’t help but crack up laughing.”
Asked to comment, a bipartisan coalition of lawmakers responded in unison, “We hear you. We see you. We empathize,” before approving another $2 trillion in corporate subsidies and tax breaks for billionaires while gutting social safety net programs.
Meanwhile, Morris was last seen Googling “How long does it take for the trickle-down effect to finally reach me” and wondering if his future $14 tax refund would cover the full cost of being dropped from Medicaid.
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