Americans Approve Trump Spending Rest of Term Golfing

WASHINGTON, DC – In a rare moment of bipartisanship, Americans from across the political spectrum have come together to approve of President Trump spending the remainder of his term on a golf course to avoid him fucking everything up.

“Honestly, it’s better for everyone if he just plays through,” said Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD). “Every time he tries to do something, we end up with tariffs, an unqualified cabinet member from a podcast, or another rapidly spreading virus. Just let him tee off all day and I’m sure he’ll enjoy the higher approval ratings.”

Economic leaders joined the chorus after markets plummeted as a result of Trump’s abrupt announcement of across-the-board tariffs. In response, Wall Street executives launched a new ETF tracking the president’s golf schedule, noting that markets are up 12% on days he’s at Mar-a-Lago and hasn’t tweeted by noon.

A bill to keep the president on the golf course, nicknamed “Tell Trump This is Greenland” (TTTG), has already garnered a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate, and includes $400 million to fund endless caddies, Diet Coke refills, and a replica Oval Office at Mar-A-Lago. “Let him sign fake bills between holes,” said one staffer. “We’ll give him a Sharpie and a stack of blank executive order templates. He’ll never notice.”

While some critics argued the plan is reckless, Democrats have assured the public this is exactly the “limited government” Americans wanted when voting for Trump. When asked for comment, Trump threatened tariffs on his 9-iron moments before declaring economic sanctions against Titleist.