TAKOMA PARK, MD – Residents across Takoma Park were shocked and disappointed this weekend after discovering that the massive “Hands Off” protests sweeping the country had absolutely nothing to do with their sacred surface parking lots.
“I was ready to chain myself to the parking meter,” said longtime resident Marsha Klench, clutching a handmade “Kiss My Asphalt” sign. “Then someone told me they’re actually protesting against Donald Trump and authoritarianism. Which is fine, I guess, but I hope they don’t lose sight of the most immediate threat, which is apartments being built at the Takoma Metro lot.”
Organizers of the national protests, which were meant to raise awareness of Trump’s recent efforts to dismantle judicial independence, target political dissenters, and “temporarily pause” the Constitution, were surprised by the avid enthusiasm from zip code 20912.
“At first we were like, wow, Takoma Park is really stepping up,” said D.C. protest organizer Carmen Delgado. “Then we heard someone chanting ‘No Justice, No Zoning Variance!’ and we realized something was a bit off.”
Mayor Talisha Searcy attempted to clarify the situation by issuing a city-wide statement that read, “To be clear: the Hands-Off protest is about resisting authoritarianism, protecting our democracy, and fighting fascism. It is NOT about preserving every underused patch of pavement between here and Silver Spring.”
City Council members scrambled to redirect the protest energy. “Look, we’re glad people are getting involved,” said one council member. “But maybe let’s focus on the collapse of democracy before we spiral into another 200-plus comment PEN listserv thread about stormwater management.”
Resident Gary Finkelstein remained defiant. “I’m as pro-democracy as the next person. But also, I’ve lived here longer than everyone else, so I clearly get more say in what is allowed to happen in the city!”
At press time, Takoma Park residents were planning to participate in another anti-fascist protest titled “Don’t Tread on Me,” which organizers mistakenly believe is about building new sidewalks in their neighborhoods.
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