Pete Hegseth Bests Cory Booker by Drinking for 48 Hours Straight

WASHINGTON, DC – Just hours after Senator Cory Booker shattered records by delivering the longest filibuster in Senate history, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth decisively outperformed the New Jersey lawmaker by engaging in a continuous 48-hour drinking session that he insists required far more endurance and patriotism than “just talking on the Senate floor.”

Booker’s marathon speech, lasting over 25 hours, was widely hailed as an impressive feat of stamina, requiring intense focus, preparation, and an inhuman ability to stand and talk for over a day straight. However, Hegseth, undeterred by what he described as “nerd endurance,” set out to prove that true fortitude lies not in parliamentary procedure but in the sacred American tradition of cracking open an unlimited supply of domestic beer.

“The Senate filibuster? That’s cute,” Hegseth slurred to a group of enablers outside a Buffalo Wild Wings in Virginia. “Try going two full days with nothing but Coors Light and raw patriotism keeping you alive. Booker had water breaks. Booker had snacks. You think George Washington stopped for a granola bar at Valley Forge? No, sir. He toughed it out, just like I did with this heroic display of constitutional freedom.”

Hegseth’s two-day bender, which began as a casual attempt to “own the libs” and escalated into what doctors are now calling “medically inadvisable,” took place across multiple locations, including a dive bar, a friend’s garage, and briefly, the back of an Uber that he is now permanently banned from using. Witnesses reported that despite bloodshot eyes and increasing difficulty forming coherent sentences, Hegseth remained steadfast in his mission, even at one point demanding a second filibuster from Booker “just to keep things interesting.”

Political analysts are now debating whether Hegseth’s achievement technically surpasses Booker’s or if it merely redefines the standards for American endurance. However, Fox News wasted no time in declaring victory, featuring a banner reading “Hegseth’s Grit Outshines Booker’s Government Showboating” alongside an interview with an anonymous uncle from Ohio who confirmed that “this is exactly what the Founding Fathers would have wanted.”

Despite mounting concern from medical professionals and his own liver, Hegseth has reportedly doubled down, vowing to attempt a 72-hour “Freedom Chug” in response to any further Democratic legislative maneuvers. At press time, Hegseth was seen passed out in a lawn chair with an American flag draped over him, whispering something about “beating Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address next.”