Well, this was awkward.
Earlier this week, we here at The Takoma Torch were accidentally included in a top-secret group chat between thirteen Takoma Park officials. And not just any chat – a full-blown classified strategy session about the city’s covert plan to ditch X (formerly Twitter) and switch to Bluesky. It’s like stumbling upon the Pentagon Papers, but instead of war crimes, it’s about social media branding.
The messages laid out everything: a transition timeline, follower retention strategies, and even a heated debate over the official hashtag. The frontrunner, #SkyHighTakoma, was shot down for being “too pro-weed,” while #TakomaBlueItself confused several participants who’d never seen Arrested Development (or had blocked it out after season four). Ultimately, they settled on #SkylineSkeets – which, once explained, resulted in a flurry of horrified messages about the importance of conducting an “urban dictionary audit” before launch.
The sender list included some very familiar initials: “TS,” “RD,” and “RS” – which strongly suggest Mayor Talisha Searcy, City Manager Robert Dispirito, and Ward 3 Councilmember Roger Schlegel (you could tell it was Roger because his messages were several paragraphs long and always followed by someone replying “TLDR”). There was also “JL” – almost certainly Jessica Landman – who seemed deeply concerned about the implications of leaving X. “If Elon finds out, he’ll tell Trump, and next thing you know, we’re getting hit with a 25% tariff on kombucha and hummus. How am I supposed to survive that?!”
What really stood out, though, were the emojis. The chat was *full* of them. Every sentence was punctuated with a combination of 🚀, 🌈, and 🐓 – presumably representing the launch, Takoma Park’s progressive ideals, and Roscoe, the city’s unofficial rooster mascot. Robert Dispirito, based on context clues, seemed particularly fond of the 👀 emoji, which he used after someone suggested skeeting a picture of the city’s new composting center. Meanwhile, Jessica Landman leaned heavily on the 😬 emoji, especially when the idea of abandoning X was discussed. The mayor’s preferred reaction was the 👍, though at one point she sent five 💀 emojis after someone asked if they could sync Bluesky with Nextdoor. And in perhaps the most revealing moment, Roger Schlegel posted a string of 🔥🔥🔥 emojis after someone proposed a live “skeet-a-thon” at the farmer’s market – followed by a single 😎 emoji, because of course.
But the strategy itself was shockingly detailed. There was a full-on launch schedule involving a “Bluesky Blitz” – a one-hour coordinated posting spree where all city officials would simultaneously skeet wholesome local content to game the algorithm. The mayor was reportedly tasked with skeeting a photo of the Takoma Junction parking lot at peak capacity, while the head of public works was encouraged to post a video explaining the new recycling guidelines while sitting inside the city’s leaf mulch pile. There was even a contingency plan in case Bluesky’s servers went down – which involved sending carrier pigeons trained to deliver QR codes linking to the city’s backup Mastodon page.
The planning extended to community outreach. To win over skeptical older residents still stuck on Facebook, the team proposed a Nextdoor guilt campaign. “If you care about stormwater runoff, you’ll join Bluesky,” read one draft post. Another one warned, “Refusing to skeet is basically being pro-developer.” An unnamed official, likely Amy Wesolek (based on the tone), suggested planting false rumors on Threads that Bluesky was started by Pete Buttigieg to lure NIMBYs into submission.
Security concerns were also raised. Cindy Dyballa worried that a hacker might seize control of the city’s Bluesky account and post misinformation about the Minor Master Plan. “That’s how revolutions start,” she wrote. Jessica Landman proposed installing 5G-blocking mesh around city hall “just in case.” There was even a line item in the budget for a $75,000 “Social Media Sherpa” to guide residents through the psychological transition from tweets to skeets.
After six hours of increasingly bizarre strategizing, I finally decided to announce myself.
“Hey everyone, not sure if you intended for me to be here. Did you want me to write a satirical article about this?”
Total silence. Then, one by one, the messages started disappearing. “This message has been deleted.” Within minutes, everyone left the chat – except “Big Wood,” who we assume is the city arborist and probably never knew he was there in the first place.
The city’s official transition to Bluesky is expected this week. But the real question is: when they inevitably screw it up, will they blame X, Bluesky – or us?
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