WASHINGTON, DC – In a shocking reversal, President Trump announced today that he is not only reinstating the United States Agency for International Development (USAID), but using its entire $40 billion budget to buy up Tesla’s stock after it tanked faster than Trump’s approval ratings.
“USAID was bad, folks, very bad. It was helping poor people overseas – not great. But now, it’s gonna do something useful: provide humanitarian aid to our poor billionaires,” Trump said at a press conference, flanked by Musk wearing a “Go Woke, Go Broke. “All that money we were sending to foreign terrorists are now going to be spent re-gluing those metal panels right back on these indestructible American cars!”
Just weeks ago, Trump and Musk had gleefully teamed up to dismantle USAID, calling it “woke foreign welfare.” But following Tesla’s catastrophic 50% stock plunge — which analysts blamed on Musk’s attempt to destroy the lives of federal workers and dismantle the government — the two men realized billionaires need a safety net.
The revamped USAID, now renamed TESLAID, will focus solely on economic development assistance for Tesla’s recovery. New programs include constructing Tesla factories in developing countries with lax child labor laws, sending volunteers to remote villages to explain why a $75,000 electric car is totally worth it, and wiring Musk $1 billion weekly in “emotional support funding” to keep him from tweeting himself into further disaster.
While previously laid off USAID employees were relieved to hear their jobs were being reinstated, the news was bittersweet. “Wait, they’re making me do fucking what now?!” asked an unnamed USAID employee from Takoma Park.
When asked about the ethical concerns, Trump waved them off. “Listen, nobody is forcing anybody to buy a Tesla,” he said. “All we’re saying is that if you don’t buy one, you could get pulled over by ICE and deported. It’s your choice.”
After the announcement news, Tesla stock briefly surged before plunging again after Musk announced that all new car doors will be redesigned to give drivers a “Roman Salute” when in the open position.
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