OTTAWA — In an unprecedented break from centuries-old national tradition, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, known for his polite diplomacy, shocked the world at a press conference Monday when he announced retaliatory tariffs against the U.S. and, in a stunning move, didn’t even say “soory.”
“This is an attack on our great nation, our great industries, and most importantly, our great poutine,” Trudeau declared, adjusting his perfectly coiffed hair. “So, in response, we are slapping a 25% tariff on American bourbon, denim, and Florida oranges. Maybe this will teach those hosers a thing or two aboot diplomacy.”
Political analysts note this is the first time in recorded history that Canadians have expressed open defiance without immediately offering someone a Timbit as an apology. “I was gonna say ‘soory,’ but nah,” said Toronto resident Kevin MacAllister. “Not after they messed with our Tim Hortons supply chain, eh.”
Foreign Affairs Minister Mélanie Joly confirmed that Canada has no intention of backing down to Donald Trump’s sweeping 25% tariffs on Canadian imports. “We’re also considering a surcharge on American items such as peanut butter, bourbon, and whatever it is that passes for maple syrup down there.”
Trump fired back on Truth Social, calling Canada “THE MOST DISRESPECTFUL PLACE ON EARTH!!!” and adding, “Canada was way better when they were nice. Now they’re just WOKE with their Universal Healthcare and DEI Hockey Teams!! I like countries that weren’t captured by the British!!!”
As tensions rise, U.S.-Canada relations teeter on the edge of a full-scale trade war—one that might only be resolved through history’s most aggressive game of curling.
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