Call From Grandma on Christmas Totally Could Have Been an Email

SILVER SPRING, MD – A quick Christmas call from Grandma to say “Merry Christmas” quickly spiraled into a 45-minute saga about neighbors, medical procedures, and unsolicited life advice, leaving family members wishing it had been a brief email instead.

“I love Grandma, but seriously, all I needed was a ‘Merry Christmas, I love you,’” said 29-year-old Sarah Larson, whose AirPods started slipping out of her ears as her grandmother began a riveting play-by-play of her neighbor’s gallbladder surgery. “Instead, I now know more about her friend Margaret’s son’s divorce than I ever wanted to.” 

The call reportedly began with the standard “Are you staying warm enough?” and quickly spiraled into a discussion about how they just don’t make sweaters like they used to, followed by a 15-minute critique of “kids these days” and their “faces in the phones.” Ironically, Sarah was, in fact, staring at her phone the entire time, Googling “How to end a call without sounding like a jerk.” 

Grandma defended the length of the call. “Emails are so impersonal,” she said. “Besides, I only call once a week… or once a day during the holidays. I just wanted to hear Sarah’s voice and remind her to eat more vegetables and find a nice boy who doesn’t have tattoos.” 

At press time, Sarah had just received a follow-up text from Grandma containing no fewer than eight Bible verses and a grainy JPEG of a cat in a Santa hat, proving that even emails wouldn’t have been short enough.