ROCKVILLE, MD – In his weekly political rant delivered via the Alert Montgomery system, County Executive Marc Elrich shattered young hearts and holiday cheer with some “cold, hard truth”: Santa simply can’t deliver presents to apartments, condos, or townhomes without chimneys.
“Look, if you want Santa to come, I suggest talking to your parents about moving to a single-family home,” wrote Elrich on the county’s text notification system, which is intended for critical county business and emergency news updates and apparently also for personal political gripes. “Apartments? Sorry, he’s got no time to fumble with a lobby directory or deal with metered street parking.”
The announcement comes on the heels of heated debates over the county’s Attainable Housing Strategies initiative, where Elrich has fiercely opposed multi-family developments in favor of preserving single-family suburban neighborhoods. When asked if the county-sponsored text message was an expression of his personal housing agenda, Elrich laughed. “It’s not politics; it’s logistics! Everyone knows Santa prefers a clear line for chimney access and minimum off-street parking requirements for nine reindeer and a sleigh.”
Elrich’s remarks were quickly criticized as an attack on renters and proponents of affordable housing, but the County Executive doubled down. “Even Santa’s village proves that single-family housing is superior,” Elrich argued. “The elves live in charming, detached gingerbread homes. They’re not crammed into some cookie-cutter high-rise! And it’s so cold in the North Pole that rents have been frozen for centuries.”
Meanwhile, kids from apartment buildings were left devastated. “Does Santa even know where I live?” asked one tearful child from a Bethesda high-rise. “Will Santa find the milk and cookies I left for him on my balcony?”
Parents were also fuming. “I’ve got a condo in Downtown Silver Spring,” said local parent Charity Case. “I already feel bad enough about the HOA fees—now I have to explain to my kid that Santa skips us because of zoning regulations?”
At press time, Elrich clarified his comments, saying Santa would consider “pilot programs” to deliver to townhomes and duplexes if Montgomery County instituted a strict workshop labor audit and the elves unionized by next Christmas.
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