TAKOMA PARK, MD — After decades of free parking at the Takoma Junction lot, the city’s announcement of a new paid parking system has sparked outrage among local residents, who again accuse the city of lining the pockets of developers: this time, a mobile parking app developer.
“We kicked out the last developer who tried to control this lot, and now we’re going to do the same with this one,” said longtime resident and part-time crystal healer Mike Von Candlemaker. “I don’t care if it costs us taxpayers another half a million dollars to terminate this contract – I’ll pay endless legal penalties so that I don’t have to pay a marginal charge for my actual usage of a limited commodity!”
According to anonymous sources, the city may have been influenced by a shadowy cabal of Silicon Valley parking app developers, whom residents have accused of trying to monopolize Takoma Park’s precious parking spaces at Takoma Junction. “Wealthy Californians are again trying to control what we do in this city,” said long-term resident Elaine Blockhead on a listserv post.
“Like libraries, parking lots are a public good,” said local resident Constance Komplaner who protested against the city library renovation. “Besides I’m on a fixed income. I can barely afford to pay for my 37 Patreon subscriptions and donate $500 to every candidate running against an incumbent. Do they think money grows on trees?”
The city’s decision to implement the ParkMobile app to pay for parking at the lot has only intensified the fury, with residents voicing concerns about both the environmental impact of increased smartphone use and the purported health risks. “We’ve all read the studies about cell phone radiation,” said environmentalist Parker Lane who lives a block from the co-op but chose to drive anyway. “This app practically forces you to keep your phone out in your hand, which means cancer-causing microwaves are hitting your brain every time you open it. It’s discriminatory!”
Some residents are already circulating petitions to bring back the “old Takoma” where parking was free and burritos were cheap. “I didn’t move to Takoma Park to have my hard-earned dollars squeezed out of me at every turn,” added Von Candlemaker. “Charging a dollar an hour just to get my artisanal vegetables? What is this, Bethesda?”
After local experts testified that paid parking would surely put the co-op out of business, the city council put their minds to ease with the announcement of an ordinance that creates yet another monopoly for the beloved grocery store: forcing all other parking lots in the city to charge at least triple the rate of the Takoma Junction lot.
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