TAKOMA PARK, MD — President-elect Donald Trump’s new “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE) has announced plans to consolidate all six of Takoma Park’s municipal wards into the only two that really matter: Wards 1 and 3.
Jessica Landman and Roger Schlegel, the freshly elected councilmembers from Ward 1 and Ward 3, are reportedly thrilled about the consolidation plan. “It’s just common sense,” said Landman while arm-wrestling Schlegel, with the loser having to represent the other side of New Hampshire Avenue. “Why waste resources paying the salaries of four other unnecessary representatives when we can use that money to enhance the Historic District?”
DOGE will be led by Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, two noted non-government employees who clearly don’t understand the difference between federal and municipal jurisdictions. After spending just one day walking around Takoma Park, their plan for the city emerged.
“Does anyone know or even care who represents the other parts of this city? We saw so many Ward 1 and 3 candidate yard signs displayed all over the others wards, it’s obvious which part of town residents truly give a shit about,” said Musk, who also plans to convert the Takoma Junction parking lot into a cryptocurrency mining facility. “Besides, 1 and 3 are the only two wards where people can afford to buy a Tesla, so why pay any attention to the others?”
The consolidation will also result in an unexpected 2-to-1 majority on the city council against the mayor, angering residents of wards 2, 4, 5 and 6 who prefer to be represented by the candidates they just elected that align with her policies. DOGE insists, however, that they have everyone’s best interests in mind.
“We understand these changes might make Takoma Park residents feel underrepresented at first,” said Ramaswamy who also plans to convert all local listservs into one fee-structured Patreon account. “But trust me, in a few months, they will learn to enjoy reading Roger Schlegel’s 300-page weekly newsletters explaining every city issue in deep detail.”
When asked how a progressive town would react to the concept of limited government, Ramaswamy said residents would welcome it with open arms. “Knowing how much money Ward 1 and 3 residents spent on candidates’ campaigns in other wards, it’s clear Takoma Park prefers the democracy of a privatized homeowner’s association.”
