Editorial: The Takoma Torch Also Holds Back Endorsement of Presidential Candidate Until Billionaire Gives Approval

As the editorial staff of The Takoma Torch, we understand the immense responsibility that comes with endorsing a presidential candidate. But as much as we’re itching to give our heartfelt support to…well, you know who…we’ve decided to take a bold stance that’s wholly in line with our stated mission to be truth tellers and hold the powerful accountable: we’ll be withholding our endorsement until a billionaire tells us that he doesn’t object.

Yes, we know there’s someone who is the obvious choice for endorsement. After all, there’s one candidate who has expertise, rationality, empathy, professionalism, and respect for basic principles of democracy, including the free press, and then there’s another guy. But let’s face it, in the high-stakes world of journalism, integrity doesn’t pay the rent, and endorsements need funding.

Frankly, it’s not easy being a torchbearer of the truth in Takoma Park. Sure, we’d love to champion a candidate who embodies our values on affordable housing, evidence-based policy interventions, and the promotion of equity and inclusion. But if we have to walk away from literally every element of that in order to avoid displeasing the corporate billionaire class, well, that’s a no brainer. We’re sticking with the billionaires, who’ve always had the country’s best interest at heart and will surely reward us for being the loyal foot soldiers of the advancing tide of fascism.

So, we’re waiting. We’re holding out for the comforting pat on the back (and wallet) of a Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, or some other overly sensitive tech-funded man-baby who will ensure that our endorsement won’t just float in the altruistic ether, but rather, trickle down into the kind of robust ad revenue that keeps our torch lit.

In the meantime, we’ll be practicing saying things like “We’re proud to endorse…” and “She’s the obvious choice because…”, but don’t worry, we won’t actually publish any of it without the appropriate billionaire backing. We’re prepared to rally the troops at a moment’s notice, as soon as we see those deep pockets open up.

Our decision to remain on the sidelines extends to local elections as well, namely Takoma Park’s mayoral race, where the incumbent, Talisha Searcy, is running unopposed. We feel it would be too controversial to pick sides here, as doing so could potentially alienate our developer overlords who fund our truly independent voice.

Takoma Park deserves a bold endorsement, but only one that comes with matching financial support. Until then, we remain Switzerland: proudly neutral, deeply hesitant, and, of course, with an untraceable, tax sheltered bank account at the ready.