TAKOMA PARK, MD – The City Council has unanimously approved a new agency dedicated to addressing the city’s most pressing issue: helping residents who are too morally conflicted to follow state guidelines to eradicate invasive spotted lanternflies that could wreak havoc on the local ecosystem.
“It’s a humanitarian crisis,” said local resident Clover Sunshine, wiping away a tear. “The emotional toll our residents are enduring, torn between protecting the local ecosystem from destruction and respecting the lives of these misunderstood bugs, is just unbearable.”
In response to the moral quandary, the city is forming the world’s first Sustainable Quarantine Unit for Invasive Species Handling (SQUISH), comprised of specially trained officers who will swoop in to humanely remove spotted lanternflies from sight. They’ll do the dirty work, so residents can keep their conscience clean.
“I just can’t bring myself to kill one even if the Maryland Department of Agriculture says it’s necessary,” said vegan yoga instructor Crystal Flowers. “But watching them munch through my fig tree hurts my soul. The new task force gives me hope. Now I can sit in peace, knowing I’ve done my part for the environment but without any blood on my hands.”
To make it even more palatable for residents, each SQUISH Big Control Officer promises to use only humane traps to delicately remove lanternflies from residents’ properties. Once relocated into a temporary home with an approved foster parent, each lanternfly will have their picture taken and posted on the city’s new invasive species adoption website. Lanternflies will also be trained to be house broken, and, for those with separation anxiety, provided insect Xanax.
Naturally, some residents are outraged—not about the budget increase required to fund the program, but because SQUISH won’t offer an ethical relocation program for the spotted lanternflies. “We should build them their own nature reserve where they can thrive without harming local trees and be safe from the threat of government scientists warning us to kill them on sight,” insisted activist Rainbow Moonbeam, who’s been running a spotted lanternfly rescue operation out of her Prius.
When asked about the status of spotted lanternflies that have been removed by SQUISH, an agency spokesperson said that residents have absolutely nothing to worry about and that all lanternflies are all living happily on a farm far upstate.
