SOUTH WOODSIDE PARK, MD – Residents of the city formerly known as T*koma Park were so horrified to learn recently that their town was built by a 19th century land developer that they decided to cancel their entire city and its 137 year history.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’ve really enjoyed the increased value of my million dollar Victorian-era historic house that I paid only $145,000 for 30 years ago,” said Doris Mayhew. “However, once I learned that my home was built just so a developer could make a profit, I just couldn’t stand to look at it anymore. T*koma Park is nothing like I thought it was.”
Residents discovered the shocking news after reading publicly displayed historical plaques that the city spent thousands of tax dollars to install. The plaques recognize Benjamin Franklin Gilbert as a developer who founded the city in 1883. Upon learning that Gilbert turned a profit by subdividing his land and building houses for sale, angry residents convinced the city council that T*koma Park was built on a foundation of lies and demanded the dissolution of the city as a political entity. The area formerly known as T*koma Park was then annexed by another rich suburban part of southern Montgomery County that hates development – Woodside Park.
“We knew our city’s troubled history couldn’t be defended any longer,” said the Ward 1 City Council person. “We felt it would be best to leave our fallen city in the hands of the neighborhood that has done the best job in staving off any development while a lively, urban area they fully take advantage of is built all around them.”
As home prices continue to soar in the area once called T*koma Park, the need to build affordable apartments and condos has dramatically increased. While most of the residents from the area support the idea of low income and “missing middle” housing, many oppose the actual building of such housing if it is to be done by professional development companies and not by a handful of retired residents who volunteered to build raised vegetables beds in the community garden.
“I hope one day that people will learn that there’s more to life than simply making more money,” said Patricia Marie while wearing a “Fight for $15” shirt. “After these developers destroy T*koma Park with too many houses, they’ll miss the good ole days of having plenty of space to stick ‘All Are Welcome Here’ signs all over their once desirable, low-density neighborhood.”