Elon Musk Purchases All Takoma Parks Listservs, Fires Moderators

TAKOMA PARK, MD – Elon Musk announced via a series of late night tweets that he has purchased all of the city’s neighborhood listservs, email groups, and message boards – for a price of 2 billion dollars – and has fired all of the current moderators.

“If we are going to create the Takoma Park Listserv 2.0, we are going to have to go hardcore,” a clearly high Musk said at a hastily arranged press conference in front of the Community Center. “If residents want to make lewd posts with ad hominem attacks, doxx other residents, or attack that new meat store, no longer will they fear having their posts flagged for breaking the group rules. Free speech is back in Takoma Park!”

While some industry analysts were surprised by Musk’s latest acquisition announcement, others found it logical, suggesting that Musk’s Twitter takeover had been a feint to capture the attention of regulators and distract them from his true goals in Takoma Park.

“The FTC and SEC have their hands full with the Twitter mess,” mused futurist Ray Kurweil. “Clearly Musk had something in mind and now we know: the complete take-over of the Takoma Park Neighborhood ListserVerse.”

Within minutes of Musk’s announcement, pure chaos took over the city’s online presences. Fake accounts, bots, and non-Takoma Park residents flooded every listserv, mainly to spread conspiracy theories and misinformation about the library renovation, but also, to worshipfully praise Musk and ask to be made moderators themselves.

“Our neighborhood listserv needs real leadership, and if given the chance, I’ll make Elon proud,” said reinstated account holder Dominic Silverberg. “Not only will I work long hours for free – I’m retired and have nothing better to do – but I’ll also make sure our most important voices are heard by switching from Google Groups back to AOL.”

Rumors of a mandatory loyalty oath were quickly dismissed, but Musk did suggest that all listserv and email group members would have to reapply to continue receiving their regular emails and digests. “I bet most of these people don’t even live in the neighborhood,” Musk said, inhaling deeply as he hit on a freshly rolled joint. Exhaling, Musk continued, “but for only $8 per month, residents can opt-out of having to put their name and street address on every email.”