TAKOMA PARK, MD – After learning that McDonald’s and Starbucks have suspended their Russian business operations in response to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, Takoma Park immediately decided to invade Silver Spring.
“Who knew that the way to rid our small town of these corporate chains was to heartlessly invade independent neighboring jurisdictions?” said the Mayor. “I wonder who we have to invade next to get rid of the Taco Bell?”
For decades, Takoma Park has been unsuccessful in fighting off national fast food corporations from entering the city limits. Residents were up in arms when Subway and Ace Hardware came to the city decades ago. Then, in 2016, residents lost all hope when Starbucks opened its second location right at the border of Old Town Takoma.
“We want businesses that reflect our high ethical standards and small town charm,” said longtime resident Seth Howard. “This invasion will send a clear message that Takoma Park can survive without fast food chains, but hopefully they’ll stick around until after I’ve used up all the money remaining on my Starbucks app.”
The invasion of Silver Spring started only five hours ago, but is reportedly not going well for Takoma Park. First, a much-hyped “Electric Vehicle Convoy” stalled on Georgia Avenue after reaching its battery range limit. Then, the drivers abandoned their vehicles when learning they would have to pay several dollars to park downtown. As some Silver Spring residents towed the discarded Volts and Leafs to their own garages, many others were found, hungry and tired, taking refuge at a nearby Popeye’s and Chipotle.
“I have to admit, it was a little scary at first to hear that we were going to be invaded by Takoma Park,” said Silver Spring resident Partap Singh Verma. “They can be an intense group of people. Luckily, we all know they don’t own any actual weapons and are only trained in writing sharply worded complaint letters.”