CINCINNATI, OH – Baseball star Max Showalter is refusing to wear his catcher’s mask behind the plate this season, citing statistics showing the chance of him surviving the impact of a foul ball to the face is well over 98%.
“These other catchers can comply like sheeple, but I’m not going to live my life in fear of 95 mph fastballs,” said Showalter of the Cincinnati Science Deniers. “Besides, the umpire is wearing a face mask and the batters wear helmets, so how is not wearing my mask affecting them in any way?”
Showalter explained that he catches approximately 150 pitches per game, and although he’s broken his cheekbone, lost half his teeth, and suffered 17 concussions this season, he’s still alive and has no plans to stop catching without a face mask. Despite a new addiction to pain killers and being forced to declare bankruptcy due to medical bills, Showalter has no regrets and considers himself a patriot for standing up against tyrannical league safety rules.
“Baseball should be played the way God originally designed it back in the 1800’s,” said Showalter while whistling through his missing front teeth on words with the letter S. “Back then, nobody wore helmets – not even catchers – and they didn’t complain. If you got hit in the head, your teammates would drag you away from the plate, and then you’d wake up several hours later throwing up in a corn field. Those were the good ole days.”
When a trainer explained that catcher’s masks have been proven to not only prevent death but greatly reduce injury, Showalter rejected the argument as “fake news” before wandering into the other team’s dugout and attempting to order a Wendy’s cheeseburger.
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