TAKOMA PARK, MD – Shortly after NASCAR decided to ban the Confederate flag at its events, Takoma Park city council members moved to capitalize on stock car racing’s new “woke” status by authorizing construction of a state of the art race track to serve new fans and bring in much needed revenue.
“Politically speaking, there couldn’t be a better opportunity to expand NASCAR to our area,” said the Mayor while wearing a leather jacket covered in local business logos. “Alienating most of its regular fans opened the door for NASCAR to attract a new type of viewer: a Takoma Park viewer. And because there is currently no city arborist to block construction, this is the perfect time to build a racing venue in our special city.”
The city will have its work cut out for itself to win over its most liberal citizens, who are known for boycotting and vigorously opposing everything that doesn’t fall exactly in line with their unique political beliefs. In order to better accommodate these folks, some new rules will be created.
“It’s important that we rebrand NASCAR to be a place of inclusion, which is why we have created the Inaugural Takoma 500 to change perceptions about the sport,” said the City Manager. “No longer will NASCAR be viewed as an event for getting drunk off cheap beer and spewing hyper partisan political rhetoric. Instead, we will only be serving expensive craft beer.”
The biggest uphill battle will be convincing fans that racing cars will not increase net carbon emissions. In an effort to be environmentally friendly, the city has secured a contract to purchase leftover cooking oil from the Chinese restaurant chain Son & Co. to serve as the official bio-fuel of NASCAR, and the track surface will also be constructed of irregular permeable pavers in order to reduce storm water run-off and preserve fuel by preventing cars from exceeding 45 mph.
The track itself, modeled on Takoma Park’s own road system, will be a particularly challenging course because there will be only one lane and no shoulder to pass a slow moving Prius going 15mph under the speed limit until they pull over for a pit stop. The city also plans to install several speed cameras to collect millions in revenue from each racing event.
“We feel confident that NASCAR is well suited for Takoma Park fans,” said the Mayor. “Any resident who routinely sits through hours of angry testimony about tedious municipal issues will easily take to spending hours watching cars drive around and around in a circle. Shake and bake!”
