Montgomery County to Extend Boundaries of Wealthy Elitist Neighborhoods to Expand Economy

ROCKVILLE NORTH BETHESDA, MD – Standing before the County Council after the publication of several damning reports showing that Montgomery County added many fewer jobs than neighboring jurisdictions, County Executive Marc Elrich announced his new idea to stimulate economic growth: extending the boundaries of the County’s wealthy elitist neighborhoods into surrounding areas.

“Nobody wants to say they live in Southern Rockville,” Elrich stated. “Instead they say they live in North Bethesda, North Potomac, or Chevy Chase View. If we can expand that concept to rename all of Rockville to be Greater Bethesda, then the Tesla dealerships, Louis Vuitton stores and artisanal cupcake shops will follow.”

Elrich has proposed the following name changes to the Montgomery County Planning Board, which is set for a vote next month:

• Poolesville, and all areas along the Potomac River, will become Northwest Potomac
• Silver Spring inside the Beltway will become North Takoma Park
• Kensington and Wheaton will become East Chevy Chase
• Everything surrounding Olney, including Ashton, Laytonsville, Aspen Hill, and Montgomery Village will become East, North, South and West Olney, respectively.

Also, to simplify things for down-county residents who repeatedly make mistakes like confusing Clarksburg with Clarksville, all of the northern neighborhoods and cities will simply be called “Up-County”.

Several County Council members immediately announced their opposition to the County Executive’s plan, calling it pointless and shortsighted. “This is a small ball proposal that will fall far short of helping us reach our economic prosperity goals,” stated Councilman Hans Riemer. “If we really want to have an impact, we should be renaming all of Montgomery County as ‘North Arlington’ or ‘West Howard County’. That’s where the big bucks are.”