CHEVY CHASE, MD – In this luxury community, where residents demand the benefits and amenities of “village” life despite living on the literal border of a major American city, dramatic new steps are being taken to preserve the idyllic lifestyle of Maryland’s richest and most powerful.
In reaction to several shocking incidents in which local dogs behaved as all dogs have throughout the entirety of domesticated canine history, the city began posting “No Barking” signs at its dog park, by all city fire hydrants, and on all USPS vehicles that service the area.
While the new signs might be seen as an absurd attempt to undo thousands of years of evolved instincts, they are perfectly in keeping with Chevy Chase’s history as a community of contradictions.
The city was founded by wiping out a perfectly good forest and natural water source to make room for McMansions surrounded by newly planted, non-native tree saplings and featuring chlorine-filled swimming pools. Its residents claim to be liberals but will take dramatic steps to protect their own fortunes and access to power and influence. And it’s been home to everyone from Oprah’s best friend, Gayle King, to Supreme Court Justice Merrick Garland Brett Kavanaugh.
Unfortunately the anti-barking signs have failed to achieve the desired effect. In fact, Chevy Chase’s dogs continue to bark, often standing right next to the signs designed to prevent them from doing so.
“Dogs just kept disobeying the clearly written directions we spent all this money on,” stated Mackenzie Adams, Chevy Chase Village Board Manager and known dog hater. “The only logical answer is to require all dogs to learn to read all posted signs. By doing so, they’ll not only obey the barking laws, but more importantly, they’ll stop pooping on my lawn.”
Under the terms of the new Canine Literacy law, all dogs must be able to read by the age of 9 months or be banished to Happy Paws, the new urban canine country club on Wisconsin Avenue.
Dog owners are not pleased with the new rules. “I’m already paying $56,000 per year for each of my three children to attend a private, elite elementary school,” stated Connie Smith. “Now I am being forced to find a private school for my two dogs as well?”
Some neighbors are finding it best to avoid confrontation and keep their dogs out of any public setting in which an errant bark might escape. Instead, they are building 1,600 square foot additions on their giant homes, designed with soundproof walls just for their canine compadres.
“My little Louie loves his ‘West Wing’ where he can bark as loudly as his little heart desires,” stated Wilma McEntire. “This would have never been made possible if we didn’t fight off that new accessory apartment law in Chevy Chase.”
Takoma Park residents laughed at the absurd way Chevy Chase dealt with the nuisance. “Chevy Chase people are such NIMBY’s [Not In My Back Yard],” laughed Gregory Watkins. “We were smart enough to locate our Dog Park in a place where there’s no chance anyone will be bothered by barking.”
(A follow-up visit conducted by this reporter proved Watkins correct: the Takoma Park Dog Park is in such an obscure, difficult to find location that, as of this week, no dog has successfully reached the park.)
