Takoma Park Seeking to Outbid President for Ownership of Greenland

TAKOMA PARK, MD – Upon hearing national news describing President Trump’s desire to purchase Greenland, the city council called an emergency closed-door session at 1:30 am Friday. Emerging from the meeting, the mayor announced the city’s plans to compete for the large landmass, currently owned by Denmark.

“We have decided it is in the city’s best interest to spend an unlimited amount of money obtaining Greenland with the sole purpose of preventing any development on this beautiful island,” stated the mayor. “But do not worry, a small handful of concerned residents have agreed to start a GoFundMe campaign to raise most of the money.”

This is not the first time Takoma Park has competed in a bid war to gain control of property. In 2015, the city got into a contentious bid war with a resident for ownership of Dorothy Woods, an annexed wooded lot belonging to a local school deep in debt to the IRS. The city ended up bidding over $250,000 to obtain the land, all for the benefit of stopping the resident from building four modest homes, and instead preserving the lot in its beautiful natural state – a rundown asphalt basketball court with a storm ditch.

If successful in outbidding the United States Federal Government, the city council has big plans to over-regulate the hell out of everything. “We have to get this right,” stated the Ward 1 council member. “Because Greenland is already dominated by a socialist government, this is our moment to implement all the regulations we could ever want and more!”

New regulations floated by the city council include an immediate adoption of a strict tree ordinance, establishing the island as a nuclear-free zone, and rewriting the entire zoning laws to create a single-family, historic neighborhood with unlimited free parking. Historic Takoma was thrilled that only drafty, single-pane historic windows could be installed in an area where a permanent ice sheet covers three quarters of the land.

Greenland’s population of 56,000 is approximately three times larger than Takoma Park. That could mean big changes to the current structure of the City Council once the 836,300 square mile island gets divided up into Wards 7 through 356. “We’ll need to build a much bigger council chamber to seat all of these new members,” stated the council member of Ward 6. “We’ll definitely need to put the library expansion on hold for several more years.”

While the city’s leaders were excited about the potential of obtaining the world’s largest island, Greenland’s leaders were less enthused. “Our people are very concerned about being controlled by a bunch of hippie leftists,” remarked Rasmus Lerdorf of Nuuk. “We also have a huge fishing industry here and we just don’t feel a bronze statue of a rooster best represents our culture.”