Gates of Hell Open Up as County Council Approves Accessory Apartment Bill

ROCKVILLE, MD – In a 6-3 vote, the Montgomery County Council approved Zoning Amendment ZTA 19-01, which allows for the permitting of more Accessory Dwelling Units, or ADUs, throughout the county.

Opponent’s of the bill cautioned the council that doing so would “destroy the county as we know it,” and “be the worst possible decision ever made in history.”

Apparently, they were correct.

As County Council President Nancy Navarro slammed down her gavel in response to the overwhelming passage of ZTA 19-01, the entire building shook.

“At first I thought Ms. Navarro was taking Crossfit classes,” said First-term County Council Member Evan Glass. “But then I saw a giant hole open up in the middle of floor and knew something was wrong.”

Satan, himself, emerged from the gaping hole, and demanded his standard 3 minute testimony. “Hell is getting pretty full these days,” Satan explained.” Which is why I put forth this effort to create more ADUs, especially in Montgomery County.”

He then went on to explain how Montgomery County was the ideal location for his minions because of the hot humid summers and proximity to Washington DC, where he frequently makes deals with politicians. “I wanted this location so much, I made Jeff Bezos take Arlington instead.”

Still, the majority on the council defended their decision. “It’s a good bill,” stated Council Member Hans Riemer. “No longer will our residents need to sell their soul in order to live in the more affluent areas of the county.”

County Executive Marc Elrich, however, scolded the County Council for their decision. “I knew all along this would happen!” Elrich exclaimed. “Why the hell do you think I always vote against development? It’s because I knew the Devil is in the details!”

The new law took effect immediately and Satan ceremoniously submitted plans for the first ADU in the county at the Department of Permitting Services. After waiting several hours just to be rejected due to a small typo on his building permit application, his excitement quickly faded. “This place is worse than hell.”