Amid Budget Crisis, Takoma Park Socialists Propose ‘Roscoebucks’ Cryptocurrency to Fund Tax Cuts, Pool

Frustrated by a tight city budget, a group of Takoma Park socialists is developing a new cryptocurrency that will allow the city government to eliminate local taxes, prevent budget cuts and construct a new centrally located swimming pool.

Under the plan, all funding for the city’s new $500 million budget would come from a new Takoma Park cryptocurrency called Roscoebucks.  The plan would bar new businesses from opening within the city limits, since their tax revenue would no longer be needed. Property taxes would be reduced to zero. Construction of the new $65 million pool would proceed immediately, and there would be no budget cuts.    Under the plan, local businesses would be barred from accepting anything other than the Roscoe-denominated cryptocurrency. The city would set up currency exchange booths on all of Takoma Park’s borders.  

More than 40 members of the new group Socialists Perturbed About Spending Money (SPASM) hailed their  proposal to cut taxes, prevent development and boost spending at a raucous City Council meeting that lasted until 3 a.m. 

Many members complained of extreme financial hardships and said they were in danger of having to shop at Aldi rather than the beloved food coop at Takoma Junction. “We’re being taxed out of our homes,” local socialist Mark Stephenson said, wearing ‘Bernie 2020’ and ‘Medicare for All’ buttons decrying the city’s proposed property tax increase of $100 per household.“Enough is enough! We need to take back control of Takoma Park!”   

Stephenson, whose 2,500 square foot Victorian house is worth $800,000, called for a “bold, creative, 21st century approach to budgeting” that would fund tax cuts and pay for an Olympic-sized pool with a weight room and public yoga classes.

“If we set our minds to it, we can do anything in Takoma Park, and that includes developing our own currency,” fellow SPASM member Steve Peters, said, while an audience member waved a sign saying ‘Pools Not Schools’ Peters said his 18-year-old son is already “coding his socks off” to create the Roscoebucks cryptocurrency, which will feature the famous Roscoe the Rooster.

“Our plan is a foolproof way to guarantee lower taxes, high services, halt gentrification in its tracks and prevent any additional wine bars from opening,” Peterson said. “Also, we really need a better swimming pool. What could go wrong?”