TAKOMA PARK, MD – What began as a routine three hour city council meeting reportedly entered hour four Wednesday after audience members were quarantined in their seats amid an aggressive outbreak of what officials are calling a highly contagious case of “the clap.”
The outbreak occurred during public comments when residents became unable to contain themselves by excessively applauding after speakers’ testimony. Within seconds, the condition had spread across multiple rows adding an estimated 15 seconds per ovation and approximately one full fiscal quarter to the evening’s agenda.
“It starts with one polite clap,” explained an exhausted staffer, watching another 15 seconds evaporate into the ether. “Then someone else joins in. Before you know it, we’ve added 45 minutes to a meeting that already includes three procedural votes about approving the minutes from the last time we approved the minutes.”
Mayor Talisha Searcy asked attendees to refrain from clapping in order to preserve order and ensure everyone felt comfortable speaking. The request was followed by additional clapping.
Several residents warned that restricting applause was a constitutional crisis, prompting one councilmember to cite Norse v. City of Santa Cruz in a 10,000-word analysis of whether the Mayor could legally restore order during ovations for comments about parking minimums and stormwater management.
“It’s protected speech,” said one attendee, clapping to punctuate the word “speech,” then clapping again for emphasis, and a third time because someone behind him started clapping and he didn’t want to seem unsupportive.
Public health authorities clarified that this strain of “the clap” is not medically dangerous, but warned it can be chronically time-consuming. “Each flare-up lasts 15 seconds,” one observer noted. “Multiply that by 83 speakers and you’ve essentially added a bonus topic to the meeting agenda.”
Public health experts confirmed that while this strain of “the clap” is not medically concerning, it is acoustically aggressive and tends to flare up around hot-button topics like rent stabilization.
“It spreads quickly,” said one resident. “You think you’re just going to politely tap your fingers, and suddenly you’re in a full standing ovation for someone reading a fact sheet.”
Councilmembers were later seen staring blankly into the middle distance as another ovation swelled for a particularly well-enunciated comment about mulch.
At press time, officials were exploring containment strategies, including polite silence, jazz hands, or Takoma Park’s most powerful gesture of civic approval: nodding gravely while composing a strongly worded email to send at 12:43 a.m.
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