TAKOMA PARK, MD — While most Americans brace for the chaos of a government shutdown, one Takoma Park resident admits he’s “kind of OK with it” if it means he can finally park at the Takoma Metro lot.
“Don’t get me wrong, the shutdown is a tragedy for working families, democracy, and the planet,” said long-time resident and retired environmental lawyer Greg Wallace, proudly gesturing to the front-row spot his Prius now occupies. “But I’m really looking forward to rolling into the Takoma Station lot at 9:45 tomorrow morning with plenty of time to grab a fair-trade latte before catching the train to my weekly protest downtown.”
WMATA confirmed ridership has plummeted since the shutdown began, creating a parking surplus unseen since “Snowmageddon” 2010. “Yes, we’re losing millions in revenue,” said Metro spokesperson Ted Harrison, “But on the bright side, it has given Takoma Park residents an unprecedented chance to experience “parking abundance.”
Wallace insists he sympathizes with furloughed workers. “Of course I feel bad for everyone struggling,” he said while adjusting his Patagonia vest. “But for me, personally? This is the universe telling me I’ve earned a break.”
Other residents are also capitalizing on the situation. A local yoga collective plans to host “Shutdown & Shavasana” in the Metro lot, while one man says he now drives there daily just to sit in a space and journal about privilege.
Worried that low demand for parking could encourage developers to build on other lots, Local muralists are planning to cover every inch of asphalt in Takoma Park in copyrighted work, so they can sue the government if it’s ever destroyed per the Visual Artists Rights Act of 1990 (VARA).
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