Nice Neighborhood Just One Public Works Fuck-Up From Turning Into Crime-Ridden Shithole

A new study has found that safe, wealthy neighborhoods are at severe risk of becoming crime-ridden shitholes if local governments approve just one more minor public works enhancement.

“This study’s findings challenge long-held assumptions that infrastructure improvements such as sidewalks lead to safety and community cohesion,” said Dr. Pamela Watson of the Suburban Institute. “Instead, they show that walkability is a gateway drug to urban blight.”

Researchers studied the impact of various civic improvements in “nice” neighborhoods – defined as residential areas with a high tree canopy, inconsistent curb cuts, and residents who refer to themselves as “progressive.” Data was collected via homeowner complaints, neighborhood petitions, and surveillance footage from Ring doorbells with suspiciously high resolution. Here are the findings:

• Installation of sidewalks increased foot traffic by 36%, including strangers, teens with beverages, and people who don’t wave back. Residents reported heightened anxiety and a 72% increase in the phrase “this used to be a quiet street.”
• Bike lanes triggered a 400% increase in “reckless pedaling.” One respondent noted, “Last week I saw someone biking really fast. Clearly they must have been fleeing the scene of a crime.”
• The mere presence of a public bench correlated strongly with neighborhood panic over the potential of attracting the unhoused, skateboard gangs, and people selling state secrets to Russian spies while hiding behind large newspapers.
• Little Free Libraries and Food Pantries were found to be neutral, allowing progressive neighbors to perform their generosity while in fact only making free items available to the kids who live in the same wealthy neighborhood.

Surprisingly, the study revealed only one positive public works improvement: the installation of “If You Don’t Live Here, Don’t Park Here” signs located on the public street in front of residents’ homes.

“For every additional foot a person must park away from their home, the risk of being chopped up by an axe murderer and stored in a basement freezer increases tenfold,” said Dr. Watson. “Clearly ample and convenient parking is a major public safety issue.”

City officials maintain that these improvements are meant to promote safety, but local “experts” say safety was never the issue.

“We were perfectly safe before,” said Ron Reynolds who is known for running to the listserv to ask if the fireworks he heard were gunshots. “Now it’s only a matter of time before they build a bus stop here. And once those bus people start walking by our homes…I’m buying a gun.”