WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move designed to optimize national efficiency, Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has officially abolished April Fools’ Day, declaring it “a redundant and unnecessary observance” under the Trump administration.
“April Fools’ Day was fun back when reality made sense,” explained DOGE’s active administrator Amy Gleason in a late-night press conference. “But let’s be honest—when headlines about Trump are indistinguishable from satire every single day, setting aside just one day for pranks is simply inefficient.”
DOGE’s report, titled “The Declining ROI of Satire: A Case for April 1st Optimization”, found that most April Fools’ jokes about the government in the last eight years had already been made real policy by the next fiscal quarter. “You make a fake headline like ‘Trump Declares Himself King,’ and suddenly you’re reading a real article about him questioning why the Constitution forbids it,” said DOGE’s Chief Satirical Analyst, Dr. Hugh Morris.
According to sources inside DOGE, the decision was finalized after officials reviewed a list of actual Trump-era policies and found they sounded more ridiculous than any fake prank announcements. “Remember when we joked about Trump wanting to buy Greenland? He actually tried,” said one DOGE staffer. “Remember when people joked that he’d run for a third term? Yeah.”
The cancellation of April Fools’ Day has left America’s satire industry in turmoil. The Onion immediately laid off 75% of its staff, citing “unsustainable levels of real-world absurdity.” McSweeney’s filed an emergency request for creative assistance, stating, “We’re running out of ways to exaggerate. We thrived for years telling jokes about billionaires taking over the government, and then they actually took over the government.”
As for what Americans should do with their newfound prank-free April 1st, DOGE recommends “focusing on practical matters,” like preparing for Trump’s upcoming executive order to make Comic Sans the official government font or the inevitable Supreme Court case determining whether he can sell Antarctica to Saudi Arabia.
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