BETHESDA, MD – Bethesda’s most iconic news outlet—formerly known as Bethesda Beat, then MoCo 360, and now, apparently, Bethesda Today—has finally succumbed to public pressure and announced its boldest rebrand yet: “Bethesda Newspaper McBethesda Newspaperface.”
The decision comes after weeks of heated arguments on local listservs, impassioned op-eds, and a particularly unhinged Twitter thread from a self-proclaimed Bethesda historian. Residents expressed outrage over the outlet’s seemingly erratic name changes, with many lamenting the loss of the beloved “Bethesda Beat” name, despite simultaneously admitting they hadn’t read an article since 2014.
“I never fully understood what MoCo 360 even means?” said lifelong Bethesda resident Sandra Carmichael, who claims the publication stopped representing her values when they started covering Silver Spring and Germantown. “This isn’t ‘Montgomery County Beat.’ It’s ‘Bethesda Beat.’ Nobody cares about 360 degrees—we only care about the five blocks around our favorite parking garage!”
Facing criticism from all directions, the editors launched a public survey to determine a new name. Suggestions ranged from the uninspired (“Bethesda News”) to the hyper-nostalgic (“Bethesda Yesterday”). But it was a rogue write-in vote for “Bethesda Newspaper McBethesda Newspaperface” that captured the hearts and minds of the electorate.
“We thought it was a joke at first,” said editor-in-chief Mike Reynolds, sighing as he sorted through the six total votes received, five of which came from the editorial staff. “But honestly, Bethesda residents are known for being calmed by generic-sounding, soulless corporate names.”
In a statement, the publication announced that the new name would take effect immediately and promised to “never change it again, or at least until too many non-Bethesda residents vote in the annual “Best of Bethesda” awards.
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