NEW YORK, NY — In a move that surprised absolutely no one, Fox News has fast-tracked its recruitment of former congressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL) after his resignation from Congress and subsequent withdrawal as Trump’s pick for Attorney General after fresh allegations surfaced suggesting he paid for sex with 17-year-olds – claims he insists are “totally fake news, except the parts that aren’t.”
The network, known for turning scandal-plagued politicians into primetime stars, sees Gaetz as a natural fit for their brand. “We could not be more excited – he’s everything we look for in a host,” said one Fox News executive. “He’s controversial, he’s polarizing, and he’s the perfect combination of morally compromised and creepy-looking. We see him as Tucker Carlson meets a sexist MAGA frat boy.”
Fox’s urgency to hire Gaetz reportedly stems from fears that another network might scoop him up first. “We are pulling out all the stops, and honestly, it won’t be easy,” said Sean Hannity. “We heard that a much younger Newsmax was also interested in him, and we all know how young he likes ’em.”
Gaetz, meanwhile, is said to be interviewing for other career positions that align well with his qualifications, including President of University of Florida State’s Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity, NAMBLA Chair, and Archbishop of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Orlando.
Critics have pointed out that Gaetz’s legal troubles make him a risky hire, but Fox News seems unbothered. “If we can make people forget about Bill O’Reilly and Rupert Murdoch’s settlements, we can make them forget about this,” the executive shrugged.
At press time, Gaetz was reportedly demanding a salary paid exclusively in Bitcoin and VIP passes to Mar-a-Lago, “just in case I need an alibi.”
Discover more from The Takoma Torch
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
