Takoma Park Protests Exploitative Colonialism on Columbus Day by Dismantling Colonial-Style Houses

TAKOMA PARK, MD – In a bold act of anti-Columbus Day protest, Takoma Park residents have taken to the streets to “decolonize” the city by demolishing every colonial-style house in sight.

“These colonial houses are a symbol of oppression, and they have no place in our progressive community,” said local activist Sage Evergreen, who was seen attacking a gabled roof while sporting a tie-dye poncho and fair-trade combat boots. “Decolonizing our community starts with decolonizing our architecture style.”

The movement began early Monday morning when a group calling itself Takoma Oppressive Architecture Destroyers (TOAD) gathered at the intersection of Maple and Philadelphia armed with crowbars and sledgehammers. After a few heated debates about the appropriate use of non-biodegradable materials, the group unanimously voted to take action against “colonial” structures, which they insist perpetuate the memory of European conquest.

The protest quickly spread across town, with residents knocking down anything remotely resembling colonial architecture. One particularly fervent participant was overheard shouting, “Down with the decorative shutters! Liberation for the dormers!” as he dismantled a perfectly innocent Cape Cod-style home.

Not everyone in the community is thrilled with the approach. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I’m not sure this is the right way to protest Columbus Day,” said Amelia Brickhouse, a bewildered homeowner who watched as her century-old porch was disassembled. “I mean, my house was built in 1992. It’s technically neo-colonial, but apparently, that’s still problematic.”

Undeterred, the protestors continued to move from house to house, handing out pamphlets detailing the colonial history of architectural features like white clapboard siding and six-over-six windowpanes. “We’re reclaiming our neighborhood, one dismantled cornice at a time,” proclaimed Ashleigh Fern, a self-proclaimed architectural anarchist. “We’re tired of living in structures that scream ‘Manifest Destiny’ and we won’t stop until every dormer has been liberated.”

Historic Takoma, meanwhile, has called for a meeting with the Montgomery County Historic Preservation Commission to discuss removing an entire residential style from the area. “We want to make sure that replacing colonial homes with postmodern longhouses and wigwams respects the architecture of the Indigenous Northeast while meeting historic preservation standards,” said local historian Piers Lawrence. “However, we still strongly believe that homeowners should maintain their servant stairs in order to maximize historic tax credits.”