Vegans Reject New Plant-Based Burgers, Remain “Impossible” to Please

SILVER SPRING, MD – Last week, PLNT Burger held its grand opening inside the Whole Foods grocery store. Many locals, including some prominent politicians, couldn’t wait to sink their teeth into their fake meat burger, eager to see if it was possible to go just one meal without killing a living creature or contributing to the destruction of the environment.

PLNT Burger joins a growing list of laboratory-created, plant-based “meat” companies that have taken the country by storm. This year, Burger King rolled out the Impossible Whopper, KFC introduced Impossible fried chicken, and Beyond Meat burgers have been found in several establishments around the country.

After working for decades to perfect a substitute for vegans’ insatiable desire for the taste of meat without the guilt, chefs and scientists were baffled to find that vegans still rejected the new plant-based burgers.

“We just don’t understand,” said food scientist Jan Dietmar. “We gave them the best tasting fake meat product ever made, but they still seem to hate it. It can’t be about taste—even the omnivores admit it tastes good. I guess it could be about self righteousness and maintaining a sense of superiority over others, but that would be out of character for vegans, wouldn’t it?”

Despite the approval of most vegans, who have hailed the fake burger craze as a win for animal rights, some vegans have instead begun a heated debate with multiple eye-rolling criticisms of lab-created fake meat.

“They’ve taken the cow out of these burgers but replaced it with chemicals,” whined vegan Todd Griffin. “I don’t want to eat animal products, but I don’t want to eat a chemistry lab either. What’s wrong with a classic mung bean burger?”

“These Impossible burgers are delicious,” stated Franklin McDonough. “Too delicious. Anything that tastes that good can’t really be vegan.”

The debate has caused in a rift among the vegan community, with some claiming that a true vegan needs to be anti-corporation.

“We call them ‘Corporate’ vegans, you know, shills for Big Veggie,” stated Tom Goldstein. “On the other hand, we are the Justice Vegans. We care about local Mom and Pop establishments – not about superficial things like profit.”

“Um, we definitely care about profit,” corrected Shirley Jones, owner of vegan soul food hot spot, Turnip the Beet. “I’m not charging $18 a sandwich for charity.”

One angry “Justice” vegan believed that unless it went straight from farm to table, it wasn’t true vegan food. “There’s really no difference between an Impossible Burger and a rib-eye steak,” she said, to which a representative of Impossible Burger responded, “That’s the greatest endorsement we’ve ever had!”