Contest Submission 4 “NPS Begins New Attorney Elimination Program”

By Justin Rosentover

Facing an ever growing population of lawyers in the DC area due to the lack of natural predators, the National Park Service has begun a new program to help manage the population.

“It’s not that we object to lawyers on principle,” Rock Creek Park Superintendent Bryce Kanyan said. “But when the population gets too large we have to do something.” The new program, officially designated as Bullets for Organized Attorney Reduction (BOAR), designates one week out of every year where recreational hunters can keep the hordes under control. This comes after the success of similar programs which cull the population of deer in the area.

The original inspiration for this variant came when Yosem Aeite, Director of Invasive Species Management, went to see Henry VI at the Shakespeare Theater Company. “There’s one line that really resonated with me,” Aeite said. “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”

Some lawyer welfare groups based in the area have objected to the plan and intend to bring lawsuits against the park service. “Lawyers contribute a lot to the local community,” Attorney Welfare Association spokesperson Eleanor Whittlesby said. “I don’t know exactly what it is they contribute, but I know they do it.” Lawyers themselves have also gotten involved, although they insist that nothing can be done except through the proper channels. “I understand the need to take action, but this seems too extreme. We are not trying to stop progress, merely ensure the plan is properly considered,” D.C. Bar President Imabar Ister said. “Can’t we separate local attorneys from the area instead?”

Aeite’s response: “the only thing we’re separating is the head from the body.” The first reductions will begin April 1st during peak lawsuit season. Local citizens are asked to refrain from wearing suits during the program’s implementation to avoid collateral damage. “If this is a success, we may be able to expand nationwide very soon,” Kanyan said.