WASHINGTON, DC — In a dramatic escalation of his ongoing campaign to crush dissent through excessive force, President Donald Trump ordered a battalion of U.S. Marines into the second act of Les Misérables performance at the Kennedy Center Wednesday night, declaring, “This barricade rebellion ends now.”
“I was just trying to enjoy ‘Do You Hear the People Sing’ and next thing I know, the orchestra pit is full of smoke and someone’s zip-tying Gavroche,” said attendee Mary Ellen Finkelstein of Bethesda, still clutching her crushed playbill.
The incident came hours after Trump deployed military forces into Los Angeles to quell mass protests against his administration’s crackdown on civil liberties, but critics say Thursday’s deployment may have crossed a new line when entering the premium center orchestra section.
According to eyewitnesses, the Marines stormed the stage mid-ballad, immediately detaining the actors playing Enjolras and Marius on suspicion of inciting insurrection. The actress playing Cosette was reportedly offered asylum “as long as she promises to be less French.”
“The show was promoting sedition, plain and simple,” said Trump, speaking from his new gilded seat in the front mezzanine. “This guy with a heavy accent was leading a rebellion against lawful authority while waving a foreign flag. We had no choice but to take him out.”
When pressed on whether he had actually seen the musical before launching the operation, Trump clarified, “I’ve seen all the Broadway shows, and this one is no good. The so-called hero is a thug who stole bread — I mean, what idiot can’t afford a loaf of bread? And Thenardier calls himself “master of the house,” but does he even have a bribery jet from the Qataris? I don’t think so. Give me a show about some people who actually won their revolution and I might care, but these guys are all losers.”
As of press time, President Trump has ordered a military review of Annie to determine whether the song “Tomorrow” is too progressive and therefore poses a national security threat.
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