{"id":3598,"date":"2026-03-31T07:42:10","date_gmt":"2026-03-31T11:42:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/?p=3598"},"modified":"2026-03-31T21:44:31","modified_gmt":"2026-04-01T01:44:31","slug":"contest-submission-4-nps-begins-new-attorney-elimination-program","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/2026\/03\/31\/contest-submission-4-nps-begins-new-attorney-elimination-program\/","title":{"rendered":"Contest Submission #4 “NPS Begins New Attorney Elimination Program”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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By Justin Rosentover<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Facing an ever growing population of lawyers in the DC area due to the lack of natural predators, the National Park Service has begun a new program to help manage the population.

\u201cIt\u2019s not that we object to lawyers on principle,\u201d Rock Creek Park Superintendent Bryce Kanyan said. \u201cBut when the population gets too large we have to do something.\u201d The new program, officially designated as Bullets for Organized Attorney Reduction (BOAR), designates one week out of every year where recreational hunters can keep the hordes under control. This comes after the success of similar programs which cull the population of deer in the area.

The original inspiration for this variant came when Yosem Aeite, Director of Invasive Species Management, went to see Henry VI at the Shakespeare Theater Company. \u201cThere\u2019s one line that really resonated with me,\u201d Aeite said. \u201cThe first thing we do, let\u2019s kill all the lawyers.\u201d

Some lawyer welfare groups based in the area have objected to the plan and intend to bring lawsuits against the park service. \u201cLawyers contribute a lot to the local community,\u201d Attorney Welfare Association spokesperson Eleanor Whittlesby said. \u201cI don\u2019t know exactly what it is they contribute, but I know they do it.\u201d Lawyers themselves have also gotten involved, although they insist that nothing can be done except through the proper channels. \u201cI understand the need to take action, but this seems too extreme. We are not trying to stop progress, merely ensure the plan is properly considered,\u201d D.C. Bar President Imabar Ister said. \u201cCan\u2019t we separate local attorneys from the area instead?\u201d

Aeite\u2019s response: \u201cthe only thing we\u2019re separating is the head from the body.\u201d The first reductions will begin April 1st during peak lawsuit season. Local citizens are asked to refrain from wearing suits during the program\u2019s implementation to avoid collateral damage. \u201cIf this is a success, we may be able to expand nationwide very soon,\u201d Kanyan said.
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By Justin Rosentover Facing an ever growing population of lawyers in the DC area due to the lack of natural predators, the National Park Service has begun a new program to help manage the population. \u201cIt\u2019s not that we object to lawyers on principle,\u201d Rock Creek Park Superintendent Bryce Kanyan said. \u201cBut when the population…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3597,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[20],"tags":[2242,2238,2234,93,2237,2235,136,2241,2,104],"class_list":["post-3598","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-editorial","tag-cash","tag-contest","tag-montgomery-blair","tag-satire","tag-satire-writing-contest","tag-silver-chips","tag-silver-spring","tag-student-journalism","tag-takoma-park","tag-takoma-torch","wpcat-20-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/takomatorch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/red819295711443255571.jpg?fit=1640%2C924&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paPZSG-W2","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3598","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3598"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3598\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3603,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3598\/revisions\/3603"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3597"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3598"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3598"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3598"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}