{"id":3590,"date":"2026-03-29T07:30:46","date_gmt":"2026-03-29T11:30:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/?p=3590"},"modified":"2026-03-28T23:10:53","modified_gmt":"2026-03-29T03:10:53","slug":"contest-submission-2-documents-found-on-dead-body-of-doge-employee-revealed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/2026\/03\/29\/contest-submission-2-documents-found-on-dead-body-of-doge-employee-revealed\/","title":{"rendered":"Contest Submission #2 “Documents Found on Dead Body of DOGE Employee Revealed”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

By Ada Schwartz<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Termination notice for Park Ranger Bear Smith,

January 22 2025,\t

Dear Mr Smith,

We regret to inform you that we will be letting you go as part of DOGE\u2019s efforts to cut government spending. We have decided that your role as Sole Park Ranger in Gates to the Arctic National Park is no longer a necessary position. In addition your choice of promoting diversity, equity, and inclusion of bear species have been flagged by our AI chatbot as not aligning with our administration’s values. We are deeply thankful for your 50 years of service to the National Park\u2019s administration and hope you will be able to seek employment elsewhere. Note: We will be using the money that would have been your salary to make a new Bear Smith AI chatbot to direct visitors of bear warnings in your absence.

Sincerely,

Tech Bro 67


March 1 2025,

Dear Mr Smith,

Due to your lack of email response to our last message because of your apparent \u201coff grid living\u201d I will be coming to submit your termination notice to you in person. I will be coming to your cabin in Gates of the Arctic via private jet. You will be expected to be prepared to vacate your desk immediately.

Sincerely,

Tech Bro 67


March 3 2025

Dear Mr Smith,

Our jet has crash landed in the middle of the mountains in Gates of the Arctic and we are being forced to rely on only 4G cellular service. We are requesting your rescue services to guide us out of the mountains. The administration is not most displeased with this turn of events and this will be reflected in your severance payment.

Sincerely,

Tech Bro 67


Note by bear investigative team: These Documents were found on Tech Bro 67\u2019s body following brutal attack by the rare calico polar bear. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Ada Schwartz Termination notice for Park Ranger Bear Smith, January 22 2025, Dear Mr Smith, We regret to inform you that we will be letting you go as part of DOGE\u2019s efforts to cut government spending. We have decided that your role as Sole Park Ranger in Gates to the Arctic National Park is…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3589,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[20],"tags":[2238,979,1943,640,638,2234,130,93,2236,2235,136,2,104],"class_list":["post-3590","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-editorial","tag-contest","tag-google-news","tag-journalism","tag-maryland-satire","tag-moco-satire","tag-montgomery-blair","tag-montgomery-county","tag-satire","tag-satire-contest","tag-silver-chips","tag-silver-spring","tag-takoma-park","tag-takoma-torch","wpcat-20-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/takomatorch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/blue5923583209600695079.jpg?fit=1640%2C924&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paPZSG-VU","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3590","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3590"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3590\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3591,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3590\/revisions\/3591"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3589"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3590"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3590"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3590"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}