{"id":3310,"date":"2025-05-13T18:47:02","date_gmt":"2025-05-13T22:47:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/2025\/05\/13\/rock-creek-on-full-lockdown-after-huge-turd-spotted-floating-in-it\/"},"modified":"2025-05-13T18:53:59","modified_gmt":"2025-05-13T22:53:59","slug":"rock-creek-on-full-lockdown-after-huge-turd-spotted-floating-in-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/2025\/05\/13\/rock-creek-on-full-lockdown-after-huge-turd-spotted-floating-in-it\/","title":{"rendered":"Rock Creek on Full Lockdown After Huge Turd Spotted Floating in It"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"
Photo Credit: RFK Jr.\/X<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

WASHINGTON, DC – Chaos broke out along the banks of Rock Creek this morning after panicked joggers and birdwatchers reported what they believed was a massive turd bobbing ominously in the current \u2014 only for park rangers to confirm it was, in fact, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. performing what he described as a \u201csacred fecal baptism.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt smelled awful, way more than usual,\u201d said local hiker Pam Ellison, who witnessed the incident while walking her labradoodle. \u201cIt was glistening, brownish, and yelling about the danger of fluoride in our drinking water. The dog threw up…twice.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

RFK Jr., who\u2019s made headlines for promoting raw milk and anti-vaccine theories, claims his decision to swim in Rock Creek was a demonstration of trust in the healing power of raw sewage. \u201cThe government tells you it\u2019s unhealthy, but that\u2019s just Big Sanitation trying to scare you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Park ranger Luis Gutierrez arrived shortly after and immediately shut down the entire park. \u201cNormally, we close off sections of the creek when fecal matter levels get too high,\u201d said Gutierrez in a full hazmat suit. \u201cIn this case, we just went ahead and shut it all down as soon as we saw the source.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Meanwhile, RFK Jr. shit-posted a photo of himself in the creek with his young granddaughter, reminding Americans that bad things usually happen whenever a Kennedy and a young woman go near water.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

WASHINGTON, DC – Chaos broke out along the banks of Rock Creek this morning after panicked joggers and birdwatchers reported what they believed was a massive turd bobbing ominously in the current \u2014 only for park rangers to confirm it was, in fact, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. performing what he…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3309,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[114,1808,1892,516,95,482,1009,1251,1101,551,24,77,970,1130,996,465,1991,373,370,140,1668,489,371,368,979,1889,340,141,1387,1789,1990,1807,537,1593,40,189,640,1894,638,130,1733,339,82,94,542,1920,1988,1890,1986,1987,1989,93,4,2,719,718,716,104,599,1840,1680,1822,38,1893,615,933,374,369],"class_list":["post-3310","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local-news","tag-amazon","tag-bluesky","tag-brain-worm","tag-cnn","tag-comedy","tag-dc","tag-dc-humor","tag-dc-jokes","tag-dc-news","tag-dc-politics","tag-dc-satire","tag-disney-plus","tag-dmv-news","tag-dmv-satire","tag-donald-trump","tag-dr-fauci","tag-e-coli","tag-ebay","tag-facebook","tag-fake-news","tag-fox-news","tag-funny","tag-gmail","tag-google","tag-google-news","tag-hhs","tag-hulu","tag-humor","tag-instagram","tag-joke","tag-kennedy-kills-woman","tag-laugh","tag-local-news","tag-local-satire","tag-maga","tag-maryland","tag-maryland-satire","tag-moc-news","tag-moco-satire","tag-montgomery-county","tag-montgomery-county-satire","tag-netflix","tag-northwest-dc","tag-parody","tag-reddit","tag-republicans","tag-rfk","tag-rfk-jr","tag-rfk-jr-rock-creek","tag-rock-creek","tag-rock-creek-sewage","tag-satire","tag-takoma","tag-takoma-park","tag-takoma-park-news","tag-takoma-park-satire","tag-takoma-satire","tag-takoma-torch","tag-the-onion","tag-tiktok","tag-trump-news","tag-truthsocial","tag-twitter","tag-vaccine","tag-washington-dc","tag-wmata","tag-yahoo","tag-youtube","wpcat-17-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/takomatorch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/rfk-jr-dumbarton-oaks-park-051225-6936856cf399400dbdbb35401f1ec9311733792057262301815.jpg?fit=1500%2C1000&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paPZSG-Ro","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3310","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3310"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3310\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3312,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3310\/revisions\/3312"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3309"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3310"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3310"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3310"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}