{"id":324,"date":"2019-08-28T22:52:28","date_gmt":"2019-08-29T02:52:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/takomatorch.com\/?p=324"},"modified":"2021-03-25T23:26:22","modified_gmt":"2021-03-26T03:26:22","slug":"chevy-chase-requires-literacy-for-dogs-after-posting-no-barking-signs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/2019\/08\/28\/chevy-chase-requires-literacy-for-dogs-after-posting-no-barking-signs\/","title":{"rendered":"Chevy Chase Requires Literacy for Dogs After Posting \u201cNo Barking\u201d Signs"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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CHEVY CHASE, MD \u2013 In this luxury community, where residents demand the benefits and amenities of \u201cvillage\u201d life despite living on the literal border of a major American city, dramatic new steps are being taken to preserve the idyllic lifestyle of Maryland\u2019s richest and most powerful. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In reaction to several shocking incidents in which local dogs behaved as all dogs have throughout the entirety of domesticated canine history, the city began posting \u201cNo Barking\u201d signs at its dog park, by all city fire hydrants, and on all USPS vehicles that service the area. 

While the new signs might be seen as an absurd attempt to undo thousands of years of evolved instincts, they are perfectly in keeping with Chevy Chase\u2019s history as a community of contradictions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The city was founded by wiping out a perfectly good forest and natural water source to make room for McMansions surrounded by newly planted, non-native tree saplings and featuring chlorine-filled swimming pools. Its residents claim to be liberals but will take dramatic steps to protect their own fortunes and access to power and influence.  And it\u2019s been home to everyone from Oprah\u2019s best friend, Gayle King, to Supreme Court Justice Merrick Garland<\/s> Brett Kavanaugh. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately the anti-barking signs have failed to achieve\nthe desired effect. In fact, Chevy Chase\u2019s dogs continue to bark, often\nstanding right next to the signs designed to prevent them from doing so. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDogs just kept disobeying the clearly written directions we spent all this money on,\u201d stated Mackenzie Adams, Chevy Chase Village Board Manager and known dog hater. \u201cThe only logical answer is to require all dogs to learn to read all posted signs. By doing so, they\u2019ll not only obey the barking laws, but more importantly, they\u2019ll stop pooping on my lawn.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Under the terms of the new Canine Literacy law, all dogs\nmust be able to read by the age of 9 months or be banished to Happy Paws, the\nnew urban canine country club on Wisconsin Avenue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dog owners are not pleased with the new rules.  \u201cI\u2019m already paying $56,000 per year for each of my three children to attend a private, elite elementary school,\u201d stated Connie Smith. \u201cNow I am being forced to find a private school for my two dogs as well?\u201d

Some neighbors are finding it best to avoid confrontation and keep their dogs out of any public setting in which an errant bark might escape. Instead, they are building 1,600 square foot additions on their giant homes, designed with soundproof walls just for their canine compadres. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy little Louie loves his ‘West Wing’ where he can bark as loudly as his little heart desires,\u201d stated Wilma McEntire. \u201cThis would have never been made possible if we didn\u2019t fight off that new accessory apartment law in Chevy Chase.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Takoma Park residents laughed at the absurd way Chevy Chase dealt with the nuisance. \u201cChevy Chase people are such NIMBY\u2019s [Not In My Back Yard],\u201d laughed Gregory Watkins. \u201cWe were smart enough to locate our Dog Park in a place where there\u2019s no chance anyone will be bothered by barking.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(A follow-up visit conducted by this reporter proved Watkins correct: the Takoma Park Dog Park is in such an obscure, difficult to find location that, as of this week, no dog has successfully reached the park.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

CHEVY CHASE, MD \u2013 In this luxury community, where residents demand the benefits and amenities of \u201cvillage\u201d life despite living on the literal border of a major American city, dramatic new steps are being taken to preserve the idyllic lifestyle of Maryland\u2019s richest and most powerful. In reaction to several shocking incidents in which local…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":325,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-324","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local-news","wpcat-17-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/takomatorch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/Smart-Dog.jpg?fit=1920%2C1080&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paPZSG-5e","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/324","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=324"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/324\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1862,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/324\/revisions\/1862"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/325"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=324"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=324"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=324"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}