{"id":3220,"date":"2025-02-17T15:16:13","date_gmt":"2025-02-17T20:16:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/?p=3220"},"modified":"2025-02-17T15:16:15","modified_gmt":"2025-02-17T20:16:15","slug":"new-government-severance-program-makes-living-in-america-more-palatable","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/2025\/02\/17\/new-government-severance-program-makes-living-in-america-more-palatable\/","title":{"rendered":"New Government ‘Severance’ Program Makes Living in America More Palatable"},"content":{"rendered":"
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WASHINGTON, D.C. \u2013 Newly appointed Health and Human Services (HHS) Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced a revolutionary brain implant inspired by the hit Apple TV show “Severance,” designed to help Americans sever their experience of living under the Trump Administration from the rest of their daily existence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI see this as a humane solution. Americans shouldn\u2019t have to spend every moment of their lives realizing they live in a dystopian nightmare,\u201d RFK Jr. explained, before adding, \u201cWe should reserve those moments for when they leave the country and suddenly remember everything all at once.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

RFK Jr., a longtime proponent of alternative medicine and body modifications – except where such modifications involve the injection of a rigorously tested and medically necessary vaccine – unveiled the device, dubbed “Brain Worm,” at a press conference attended by confused reporters, several QAnon influencers, and a visibly frustrated Dr. Anthony Fauci, who was duct-taped to a chair in the corner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brain Worm creates two separate personalities for each American: their “innie” – living inside U.S. borders, where the device blocks all memories of turmoil, political chaos, and the ongoing collapse of democracy – and their “outie,” whose memories are fully restored upon exiting the country, typically leading to spontaneous screaming fits at foreign airport lounges. However, users may opt to delay the process by a few minutes, allowing them to enjoy a duty-free Toblerone before spiraling into existential dread.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to HHS, the program has already shown great success in test locations, including Florida, where “innies” reportedly spent days blankly staring at their government-issued Mar-a-Lago loyalty cards, unaware of who they were, why they were there, or why their state had outlawed math. Meanwhile, “outies” arriving in Canada have been seen collapsing at baggage claim, whispering, \u201cOh God, I voted for Trump again, didn\u2019t I?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Elon Musk, an early supporter of the program, hailed it as \u201cthe greatest innovation in government control since the Twitter rebrand.\u201d Musk has reportedly petitioned the White House to allow Brain Worm integration with X Premium, ensuring that only verified users can retain their memories of pre-2016 America.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Despite concerns from civil liberties groups that this might be an elaborate scheme to suppress dissent, Kennedy assured Americans that Brain Worm was completely voluntary, with a participation rate already exceeding 98% due to a newly announced IRS policy that would guarantee an audit for anyone who refuses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLook, it\u2019s simple,\u201d Kennedy reassured the nation. \u201cThe government gets to keep being awful, and you get to not know about it. The good thing is that it will prevent an uprising, or worse, an investigation into all the illegal and corrupt shit we’re doing.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

WASHINGTON, D.C. \u2013 Newly appointed Health and Human Services (HHS) Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced a revolutionary brain implant inspired by the hit Apple TV show “Severance,” designed to help Americans sever their experience of living under the Trump Administration from the rest of their daily existence. \u201cI see this as a humane…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3221,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[114,1903,1892,1891,1870,1101,24,970,1130,1888,749,1826,140,89,1899,1897,1896,1900,1668,489,371,368,979,1889,340,1901,1905,490,1807,537,1593,993,640,1894,1351,638,1755,1733,339,6,1902,94,98,1890,93,111,1886,1887,1898,1904,1895,2,718,717,104,164,42,1680,523,1893,967],"class_list":["post-3220","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-national-politics","tag-amazon","tag-apple-tv","tag-brain-worm","tag-brainworm","tag-canada","tag-dc-news","tag-dc-satire","tag-dmv-news","tag-dmv-satire","tag-doge","tag-elon-musk","tag-email","tag-fake-news","tag-fauci","tag-fed-workers","tag-federal-government","tag-finance","tag-florida-man","tag-fox-news","tag-funny","tag-gmail","tag-google","tag-google-news","tag-hhs","tag-hulu","tag-innie","tag-irs","tag-jokes","tag-laugh","tag-local-news","tag-local-satire","tag-maryland-news","tag-maryland-satire","tag-moc-news","tag-moco-news","tag-moco-satire","tag-montgomery-county-news","tag-montgomery-county-satire","tag-netflix","tag-news","tag-outie","tag-parody","tag-political-satire","tag-rfk-jr","tag-satire","tag-satirical-news","tag-severance","tag-severance-season-2","tag-shutdown","tag-sports","tag-stocks","tag-takoma-park","tag-takoma-park-satire","tag-takoma-satirical-news","tag-takoma-torch","tag-takomatorch","tag-trump","tag-trump-news","tag-usa","tag-vaccine","tag-virginia-satire","wpcat-10-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/takomatorch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/Severance.jpg?fit=2560%2C1440&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paPZSG-PW","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3220","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3220"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3220\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3222,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3220\/revisions\/3222"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3221"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3220"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3220"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3220"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}