{"id":3200,"date":"2025-01-22T16:56:19","date_gmt":"2025-01-22T21:56:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/?p=3200"},"modified":"2025-01-22T16:56:25","modified_gmt":"2025-01-22T21:56:25","slug":"jamie-raskin-declared-outlaw-in-takoma-park-after-preemptive-biden-pardon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/2025\/01\/22\/jamie-raskin-declared-outlaw-in-takoma-park-after-preemptive-biden-pardon\/","title":{"rendered":"Jamie Raskin Declared ‘Outlaw’ in Takoma Park After Preemptive Biden Pardon"},"content":{"rendered":"
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TAKOMA PARK, MD – Beloved Congressman Jamie Raskin, often hailed as a constitutional scholar and fierce defender of democracy, has taken a surprising turn by openly flaunting his newly acquired preemptive presidential pardon from Joe Biden as an excuse to turn into the city\u2019s most unlikely outlaw, committing minor infractions that are causing a city-wide uproar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis isn\u2019t the Jamie we know,\u201d said longtime Takoma Park resident and outspoken pacifist Willow Fern. \u201cYesterday, I saw him park his Subaru in front of a fire hydrant, then smugly hand people copies of his pardon like he was passing out pocket constitutions.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Raskin\u2019s descent into rogue behavior started small but has escalated in ways that even his most ardent supporters didn\u2019t see coming. He was first spotted jaywalking across Carroll Avenue while sipping from a single-use plastic water bottle. Witnesses say he smirked when a passerby gasped in horror. \u201cHe didn\u2019t even recycle it,\u201d one horrified resident whispered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Things escalated when Raskin was then seen chopping down a historic oak tree in front of a neighbor\u2019s house, claiming it \u201cdangerously leaned too far right.\u201d Takoma Park\u2019s strict tree protection laws mandate that residents apply for a permit, hold a community meeting, and sacrifice a locally sourced kombucha to the tree council before removing any foliage. \u201cHe didn\u2019t even plant another tree as a replacement,\u201d said a trembling longtime neighbor. \u201cI mean, that\u2019s like a war crime around here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Raskin\u2019s most recent stunt involved riding an electric scooter in the bike lane without a helmet\u2014a violation so egregious that even the city\u2019s famously lenient crossing guards refused to look the other way. \u201cThis man wrote a book about constitutional law, and now he\u2019s running stop signs like some anarchist,\u201d said Ward 2 resident Greg Mulberry, who insists he voted for Raskin \u201cat least twice.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When pressed about his increasingly brazen antics, Raskin shrugged, holding up the official pardon from President Biden. \u201cLook, I\u2019m just exercising my constitutional rights,\u201d he said, while casually tossing plastic bottles into the glass recycling bin. \u201cAnd besides, the President said I could.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

City officials have struggled to respond. The Takoma Park City Council held an emergency meeting to declare Raskin a \u201csymbolic fugitive,\u201d but several members couldn\u2019t attend because they were stuck in traffic caused by Raskin\u2019s illegally parked car. Meanwhile, the mayor\u2019s office released a statement urging Raskin to reflect on Takoma Park\u2019s values, noting that his actions have caused irreparable harm to the city\u2019s moral fabric. \u201cWe can\u2019t simply forgive this level of lawlessness,\u201d the statement read. \u201cEven if Joe Biden already did.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Despite the backlash, Raskin remains unfazed. Reports suggest he\u2019s planning his next move: opening a non-unionized goat yoga studio on public land. His supporters argue that such bold actions reveal the absurdity of Takoma Park\u2019s endless regulations. \u201cHonestly, Jamie\u2019s a hero,\u201d said resident Ben Davidson. \u201cBy chopping down that tree, he\u2019s shown that even the best of us can\u2019t keep up with the paperwork. He’s a modern day George Washington.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For now, Congressman Raskin remains at large, his outlaw reputation growing by the day. Rumors suggest he may have been spotted in a Whole Foods checkout line, shamelessly bagging groceries in plastic bags without paying the 5 cent per bag fee. The people of Takoma Park may love him, but for now, they\u2019re clutching their reusable tote bags a little tighter.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

TAKOMA PARK, MD – Beloved Congressman Jamie Raskin, often hailed as a constitutional scholar and fierce defender of democracy, has taken a surprising turn by openly flaunting his newly acquired preemptive presidential pardon from Joe Biden as an excuse to turn into the city\u2019s most unlikely outlaw, committing minor infractions that are causing a city-wide…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3201,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17,10],"tags":[114,1845,1009,24,1130,979,340,823,1593,640,309,638,1733,339,1844,98,1847,93,111,4,1508,228,1396,1397,67,169,433,1278,2,355,1771,719,718,716,104,164,1846,967],"class_list":["post-3200","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local-news","category-national-politics","tag-amazon","tag-biden-pardon","tag-dc-humor","tag-dc-satire","tag-dmv-satire","tag-google-news","tag-hulu","tag-jamie-raskin","tag-local-satire","tag-maryland-satire","tag-moco","tag-moco-satire","tag-montgomery-county-satire","tag-netflix","tag-pardon","tag-political-satire","tag-raskin-pardon","tag-satire","tag-satirical-news","tag-takoma","tag-takoma-co-op","tag-takoma-election","tag-takoma-historic-district","tag-takoma-humor","tag-takoma-junction","tag-takoma-library","tag-takoma-metro","tag-takoma-news","tag-takoma-park","tag-takoma-park-arborist","tag-takoma-park-humor","tag-takoma-park-news","tag-takoma-park-satire","tag-takoma-satire","tag-takoma-torch","tag-takomatorch","tag-trump-pardon","tag-virginia-satire","wpcat-17-id","wpcat-10-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/takomatorch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/01\/raskin-rebel.jpg?fit=480%2C360&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paPZSG-PC","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3200","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3200"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3200\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3202,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3200\/revisions\/3202"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3201"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3200"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3200"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3200"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}