The following two stories were written by our fans and selected as finalists for the ultimate prize – a cheap t-shirt that we have yet to create, but will be coming soon. Please vote for you favorite story on our Takoma Torch page on Facebook. Voting ends Monday night at midnight. The authors’ names have been removed to prevent any bias by our incredibly judgmental, grudge-holding fan base.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Enjoy!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Takoma Park is Not a True Sanctuary City<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The lush leaves undulated like a canine tongue\non this dog-day afternoon. \u201cPeople don\u2019t realize that this living being\nfirst was received as a gift\u201d Bartholomew Peet, Takoma Park\u2019s Senior Kudzorist\nbemoaned. \u201cKudzu has fallen on hard times of late. It\u2019s tragic\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Kudzu allegedly made its US debut at the\n1876 World\u2019s Fair Centennial Exhibition in Philadelphia, after a long and\narduous journey from Japan. Once welcomed with open, long-sleeved arms, the\nbeautiful trifoliate leaves of this perennial vine are now appallingly referred\nto as an invasive species. It is, however, what the Woke Horticulture movement\nnow calls an \u201cImmigrant Species\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cKudzu deserves to be respected\u201d. Peet went on,\n\u201cIf Takoma Park is a true sanctuary city, we need to welcome kudzu not only in\nto our public green spaces, but everywhere – and that means \u201cYIMBY\u201d- Yes, In My\nBackyard\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Peet became emphatic as he described the harmful\neffects of the herbicide RoundUp and its particularly devastating impact on\nKudzu. His voice cracked as he described how Glyphosate, the active\ningredient in the poisonous brew, is absorbed through the foliage and casts its\ndeadly spell, inhibiting a plant enzyme involved in the synthesis of kudzu\u2019s\nlife preserving aromatic amino acids. Peet stated that if one listens\ncarefully to the leaves immediately after they are sprayed with RoundUp, \u201cyou\ncan hear the kudzu softly weep\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Most citizens of Takoma Park are familiar with\nthe Tree Commission, and the feared and respected Town Arborist. The\nCommission was established \u201cto preserve, protect and promote the urban forest\nof Takoma Park and to hear pathetic, whining appeals from tree permit\ndecisions\u201d, as its charter reads. Some residents might be surprised to\nlearn of the Office of Kudzu Affairs, a small but dedicated group of\n\u201cvine-huggers\u201d as the like-minded environmentalists playfully refer to\nthemselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The Town Kudzorist is the public face of this\ndevoted agency that has deep roots in green preservation and a perennial\nmission to spread \u201cLove 2 the Kudzu\u201d\u00a9. Bartholomew\nmused: \u201cIf I can prevent one three-foot plant from being murdered, that little\nvine will potentially cover an acre of trees and bushes within a few weeks.\nThat is why I get up in the morning\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n There are false claims that the kudzu that\nmigrated here and formed \u201cflora gangs\u201d whose collective vines foist a sinister\ngrasp upon more meek and vulnerable species, such as pine trees and Takoma\nPark\u2019s beloved azalea bushes. I asked Peet to comment: \u201cAgain, with the azalea\nbushes!\u201d Peet lamented in exasperation. \u201cCould I have one day at work without\nhearing someone drone about: \u201cThe azalea bushes! Who will take care of the\nazalea bushes?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n If he has his way, Bartholomew believes in a few\nyears Takoma Park will be rebranded as \u201cThe Kudzu City\u201d. Peet lit his pipe and\ngently cradled a kudzu leaf to his cheek: \n\u201cThen, and only then, my work will be done\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Takoma Park Band Stumbles\ninto Major Gig<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Local Takoma Park avant-garde, folk-acid,\njazz-industrial-metal band, Wearing a\nCustom Made Electric Green Yoda Themed Tuxedo to Komodo Dragon Racing League<\/em>,\nfound itself the beneficiary of an online shopping fluke this week when it was\naccidentally chosen to be the opening act for rock\/pop superstar Peter\nGabriel. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “I was shopping online and thought I was purchasing\nan outfit for an upcoming obscure sporting event,” said Gabriel. “I\nguess I wasn\u2019t paying attention to what I was actually purchasing because I\naccidentally booked Wearing a Custom Made\nElectric Green Yoda Themed Tuxedo to Komodo Dragon Racing League<\/em> as the\nopener for the entire Mid-Atlantic portion of my next tour. Let\u2019s all just hope\nthis isn\u2019t the fatal mistake that kills a 40-year musical career.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to other members of the Takoma Park music scene,\nWACMEGYTTTKDRL<\/em> is known to employ an\nunrealistic combination of chord structure and time changes with smells,\nimagery, organic WiFi signals, and activist catch phrases. Bill Bowery of Takoma Park\u2019s Rock the Loop\nRecords noted that the band\u2019s unusual stage show has some unfortunate side\neffects on the audience. “At every\nperformance 30% of the crowd experiences severe nausea with a sudden onset of\ndogmatic inflexibility. I’m serious. Exactly 30%! We kept track on a spread\nsheet!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sarah Shephard, a bartender at the local VFW where\nWACMEGYTTTKDRL used to perform regularly, was unimpressed with the band.<\/em> \u201cFirst of all, the name used up all\nthe letters for our marquee. Secondly, their shows would just dissolve into a\nbunch of bickering, conflict, and puke. We\nhad to get a biohazard certification just to clean up after their performances.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Several VFW patrons, who requested to remain anonymous,\nwere surprised to hear that WACMEGYTTTKDR\n<\/em>were back on the circuit. \u201cA few\nyears ago, I heard they were being booked for studies at Langley and Walter\nReed,\u201d said one patron. \u201cThat makes a lot more sense to me than having these\nguys perform for thousands of people.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n In spite of the potential dangers of mass argument and\nvomiting, most in Takoma Park are happy for the band to book the Gabriel tour,\neven if it was the result of a fluke. They are just glad to see members of\ntheir local community get some visibility and experience some success. And,\nneedless to say, members of WACMEGYTTTKDRL are ecstatic. \u201cWho knew we would\nhave an opportunity like this!” said bassist Christian Redmond. “We can\u2019t wait to make the Yoda tuxedo\ncommunity proud!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Before the band heads out to its first tour date, WACMEGYTTTKDRL<\/em> will first perform at the\nnext Takoma Park Folk Festival. The band\nis even thinking of setting up a \u201cBeyond Town Hall\u201d tour throughout Montgomery\nCounty. Biodegradable vomit bags will of course be provided via Takoma Park\nPublic Works.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The following two stories were written by our fans and selected as finalists for the ultimate prize – a cheap t-shirt that we have yet to create, but will be coming soon. Please vote for you favorite story on our Takoma Torch page on Facebook. Voting ends Monday night at midnight. The authors’ names have…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-309","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","wpcat-1-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paPZSG-4Z","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/309","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=309"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/309\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":310,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/309\/revisions\/310"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=309"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=309"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=309"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}