{"id":2439,"date":"2022-07-12T10:23:44","date_gmt":"2022-07-12T14:23:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/?p=2439"},"modified":"2022-07-12T10:23:52","modified_gmt":"2022-07-12T14:23:52","slug":"supreme-court-discovers-new-constitutional-right-to-steakhouse-privacy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/2022\/07\/12\/supreme-court-discovers-new-constitutional-right-to-steakhouse-privacy\/","title":{"rendered":"Supreme Court Discovers New Constitutional Right to Steakhouse Privacy"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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WASHINGTON, DC – In a surprise move, the Supreme Court announced today that it had looked really closely and unexpectedly discovered a previously unknown clause in the Constitution guaranteeing themselves the right to a private, uninterrupted meal at the steakhouse of their choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Holding strictly to their view that no one has any rights except those that were explicitly written down by white, male farmers and businessmen in the eighteenth century, six justices were relieved to discover that James Madison had anticipated that a future court might want to indulge at a Ruth\u2019s Chris without the unpleasantness of being confronted with the horrific consequences of their own official actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m as shocked as anyone,\u201d said Justice Kavanaugh while perusing the dessert menu on the Charlie Palmer website. \u201cIt\u2019s amazing that no one ever noticed this sentence over the last 200 plus years, but it\u2019s definitely there and totally real. So I don\u2019t want to hear any more about my support for forced birth, increased maternal mortality or retraumatization of sexual assault victims while I\u2019m just trying to enjoy some cr\u00e8me br\u00fbl\u00e9e.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Historians expressed discomfort with the ruling, noting that no independent source could corroborate the existence of what is now being known as \u201cthe porterhouse privacy proviso,\u201d but Justice Alito dismissed the criticism as just another politically motivated attack on the court\u2019s credibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJust because liberal activists can\u2019t see this clause doesn\u2019t mean that it isn\u2019t real,\u201d said Alito. \u201cMaybe if they hadn\u2019t spent all of their time fighting prayer in schools they\u2019d have a better understanding of how you sometimes have to trust in the existence of a higher authority that knows better than you do. And clearly I am that authority.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Justice Clarence Thomas was the first to take advantage of his newly discovered right at the Bethesda location of Morton\u2019s. Mere blocks away from where frightened patients were being screamed at and spit on while attempting to access a health clinic, Thomas, a wealthy black man occupying one of the most powerful positions in American government, peacefully ate a slice of key lime pie and sipped a mojito, just as the Founders had clearly always intended.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

WASHINGTON, DC – In a surprise move, the Supreme Court announced today that it had looked really closely and unexpectedly discovered a previously unknown clause in the Constitution guaranteeing themselves the right to a private, uninterrupted meal at the steakhouse of their choice. Holding strictly to their view that no one has any rights except…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2440,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[15,10],"tags":[247,1164,95,1101,24,970,1130,140,979,537,993,640,309,405,638,6,882,98,93,111,2,719,718,716,717,104,164,795,967],"class_list":["post-2439","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-national-politics","tag-abortion","tag-brett-kavanaugh","tag-comedy","tag-dc-news","tag-dc-satire","tag-dmv-news","tag-dmv-satire","tag-fake-news","tag-google-news","tag-local-news","tag-maryland-news","tag-maryland-satire","tag-moco","tag-moco-politics","tag-moco-satire","tag-news","tag-pg-county-news","tag-political-satire","tag-satire","tag-satirical-news","tag-takoma-park","tag-takoma-park-news","tag-takoma-park-satire","tag-takoma-satire","tag-takoma-satirical-news","tag-takoma-torch","tag-takomatorch","tag-texas-abortion-law","tag-virginia-satire","wpcat-15-id","wpcat-10-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/takomatorch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/takoma-torch-kavanaugh-steak.jpg?fit=620%2C372&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paPZSG-Dl","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2439","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2439"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2439\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2441,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2439\/revisions\/2441"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2440"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2439"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2439"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2439"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}