{"id":2359,"date":"2022-05-24T09:20:37","date_gmt":"2022-05-24T13:20:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/?p=2359"},"modified":"2022-05-27T12:19:21","modified_gmt":"2022-05-27T16:19:21","slug":"metro-announces-2023-service-plan-a-2-person-handcar-that-comes-twice-a-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/2022\/05\/24\/metro-announces-2023-service-plan-a-2-person-handcar-that-comes-twice-a-day\/","title":{"rendered":"Metro Announces 2023 Service Plan: a 2-Person Handcar That Comes Twice A Day"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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WASHINGTON, DC – Recognizing customer frustration from the increasing number and frequency of recent unplanned service reductions, the Metro Board has decided to proactively announce the service plan that riders can expect next year: a 2-person handcar that will service each of the system\u2019s 91 stations a maximum of twice a day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPeople are tired of being told that there aren\u2019t enough safe train cars or certified drivers,\u201d said Acting General Manager Andy Off. \u201cSo we\u2019re solving the problem by eliminating both trains and drivers and just letting our riders self-propel themselves down the tracks on a handcar. I know that\u2019s not the kind of shitty service most people would expect from the management of the country\u2019s second busiest public transportation system, but it\u2019s exactly what our riders expect of us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In advance of the service transition, Metro is recommending riders take steps to prepare themselves. \u201cRiders may wish to start working on their upper body strength now, because it\u2019s a long way from Silver Spring to Rosslyn, and that cart isn\u2019t going to move itself,\u201d said Off. \u201cAnd given how long you\u2019ll have to wait to get one of the two spots on the handcar, you may also want to pack yourself a survival kit for the inevitable two month wait on the platform.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Customers have greeted Metro\u2019s announcement with a variety of reactions. \u201cMy mom is pretty pissed,\u201d said 10 year old Matthew McDouglas, who takes Metro to school in DC each day. \u201cBut that\u2019s because she\u2019s always talking about \u2018the good old days\u2019 when you could go 5 stops in less than 2 hours and only experience a derailment once or twice a week. That sounds fake to me, though. So I\u2019m just glad they\u2019ve got Wi-Fi for the next time I\u2019m trapped in a tunnel fire.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Angry representatives of the DC, Maryland and Virginia governments all vowed to oppose the 2023 changes, but Metro continues to move ahead with its planning. Officials have acquired the necessary handcar from a local theater that had one in storage after recently staging a drama set in Dust Bowl-era Oklahoma, and the Public Affairs Department ordered new signage with the system\u2019s 2023 slogan: \u201cWhy Don\u2019t You Just Fucking Walk?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The new handcars will officially be in service in Spring of 2023. Even though the design of the new open-topped cars is more “outdoorsy” than that of its predecessor, riders are still not allowed to have food or drinks to protect the handcar’s signature Metro plush carpet flooring.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

WASHINGTON, DC – Recognizing customer frustration from the increasing number and frequency of recent unplanned service reductions, the Metro Board has decided to proactively announce the service plan that riders can expect next year: a 2-person handcar that will service each of the system\u2019s 91 stations a maximum of twice a day. \u201cPeople are tired…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2360,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[95,1111,1113,24,969,970,370,140,979,122,141,189,501,993,952,640,187,309,705,668,405,638,98,143,1119,93,111,1116,1115,4,433,2,718,716,717,104,164,38,967,933,1112],"class_list":["post-2359","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local-news","tag-comedy","tag-dc-metro","tag-dc-metro-map","tag-dc-satire","tag-dmv","tag-dmv-news","tag-facebook","tag-fake-news","tag-google-news","tag-historic-takoma","tag-humor","tag-maryland","tag-maryland-general-assembly","tag-maryland-news","tag-maryland-public-schools","tag-maryland-satire","tag-metro","tag-moco","tag-moco-council","tag-moco-planning-board","tag-moco-politics","tag-moco-satire","tag-political-satire","tag-purple-line","tag-red-line-metro","tag-satire","tag-satirical-news","tag-silver-spring-metro","tag-smartrip","tag-takoma","tag-takoma-metro","tag-takoma-park","tag-takoma-park-satire","tag-takoma-satire","tag-takoma-satirical-news","tag-takoma-torch","tag-takomatorch","tag-twitter","tag-virginia-satire","tag-wmata","tag-wmata-map","wpcat-17-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/takomatorch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/takoma-torch-metro-handcar.jpg?fit=780%2C508&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paPZSG-C3","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2359","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2359"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2359\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2362,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2359\/revisions\/2362"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2360"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2359"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2359"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2359"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}