{"id":1315,"date":"2020-08-19T17:20:27","date_gmt":"2020-08-19T21:20:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/takomatorch.com\/?p=1315"},"modified":"2020-08-20T16:31:57","modified_gmt":"2020-08-20T20:31:57","slug":"rnc-announces-final-2020-convention-schedule-of-events-and-speakers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/2020\/08\/19\/rnc-announces-final-2020-convention-schedule-of-events-and-speakers\/","title":{"rendered":"RNC Announces Final 2020 Convention Schedule of Events and Speakers"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The following list of events and speakers have been announced for the 2020 Republican National Convention, which will be held in a men’s locker room so everything said is perfectly fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Monday, August 24, 2020<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

9 a.m.
OPENING CEREMONY
Ritual torture of Chinese bats with special guest Ozzy Osbourne.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

10:30 a.m.
Melania Trump’s RNC Speech
(for those who missed Michelle Obama’s DNC speech)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

11:30 a.m.
Gov. Greg Abbott (R-Texas)
“Grandma Wants to Die For Your Minimum Wage Job”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

12:30 p.m.
Michael Flynn, Roger Stone, and Sheriff Arpaio:
“Pardon Me?”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1:30 p.m.
Mark and Patricia McCloskey
St. Louis’ Favorite NIMBY Couple demonstrates how to clean your AK-47 and remove pesky mustard stains from your clothes.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

3:30 p.m.
Flat Earth Society
“Spreading Truth Around the Globe”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

5:30 p.m.
Dr. Stella Immanuel
“How to Prevent Alien Abortion, Reptilian Overlords, and Demon Sperm using Hydroxychloroquine”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

7:30 p.m.
Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani
\u201cHow to lose friends and alienate people\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tuesday, August 25, 2020<\/span><\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

10:30 a.m.
The Pledge of Allegiance Sponsored by FedEx\/DHS\/UPS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

11:00 a.m.
My Pillow, Inc. CEO Michael J. Lindell
“How I Sleep at Night After Peddling Miracle Cures to Suckers.”<\/em>

12:30 p.m.
Dr. Ben Carson:
“All Lives Matter”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1:30 p.m.
The Michelin Tire Man<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2:30 p.m.
“This Land is My Land”
Performed by the MAGA hat-wearing little shit who mocked a Native American<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

3:30 p.m.
Secretary of Education Betsy Devos
“Turning Our Children into the Docile Employees of Tomorrow.”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

8:00 p.m.
“The Mailman” Karl Malone
“In-Person Voting is a Slam Dunk”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

9:00 p.m.
SPECIAL PRESENTATION: “After-Life Republicans for Trump”
Jerry Falwell Jr., President of Liberty University, to hold a vigil to wake the spirits of Republicans in the After-Life to officially endorse Donald Trump.
Ghosts include: Herman Cain, Antonin Scalia, Charlton Heston, Ronald Reagan<\/em>, and more!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wednesday, August 26, 2020<\/span><\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

10:30 a.m.
Clint Eastwood’s Chair<\/p>\n\n\n\n

11:30 a.m.
Karens for Trump
“Know Your Rights!”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1:00 p.m.
Dr. Jill Stein, 2016 Presidential Candidate
“You’re Welcome”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

2:30 p.m.
Vice President Mike Pence (TBD – awaiting confirmation by “Mother”)
“Girls are Yucky”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

3:30 p.m.
Laura Ingraham and MD Governor Larry Hogan:
“Falling in Line”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

4:30 p.m.
Confederate Statues for Trump<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7:30 p.m.
Ben Shapiro
Lecture on the Female Anatomy<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

8:30 p.m.
Official Delegate Count and Transfer of Power by The Lannister Family<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thursday, August 27, 2020<\/span><\/strong>

9:30 a.m.
Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin
“There’s Always Money in the Banana Stand”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

10:30 a.m.
Briahna Joy Gray, National Press Secretary for Bernie Sanders<\/p>\n\n\n\n

12:00 p.m.
Lunch Break
Chick-Fil-A Chicken Sandwich Eating Contest<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

2:00 p.m.
Kim Jong-Un
“Why Democracy is Overrated”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

3:00 p.m.
Ivanka Trump
“Live Tax Free Forever and Other Beauty Tips”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

4:00 p.m.
President Donald J. Trump
The President formally accepts the nomination live from the 13th Hole of Mar-A-Lago<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

5:30 p.m.
Covid-19 (R-Fla.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7:00 p.m.
Gov. Brian Kemp (R- Ga.)
“Literally Sick of Winning”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

8:00 p.m.
RNC Chairman, Ronna \u201cNot Romney\u201d McDaniel
“Let Us Never Speak of 2012 Ever Again”<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The following list of events and speakers have been announced for the 2020 Republican National Convention, which will be held in a men’s locker room so everything said is perfectly fine. Monday, August 24, 2020 9 a.m.OPENING CEREMONY Ritual torture of Chinese bats with special guest Ozzy Osbourne. 10:30 a.m.Melania Trump’s RNC Speech (for those…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1319,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[24,140,161,94,98,162,156,93,111],"class_list":["post-1315","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-national-politics","tag-dc-satire","tag-fake-news","tag-joe-biden","tag-parody","tag-political-satire","tag-politics","tag-republican","tag-satire","tag-satirical-news","wpcat-10-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/takomatorch.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/takomatorch_RNC.jpg?fit=880%2C597&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paPZSG-ld","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1315","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1315"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1315\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1320,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1315\/revisions\/1320"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1319"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1315"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1315"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/takomatorch.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1315"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}