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Tag: satirical news

Republicans Outraged Biden Replaces ‘Nuclear Football’ with Soccer Ball
National Politics

Republicans Outraged Biden Replaces ‘Nuclear Football’ with Soccer Ball

The Takoma TorchJanuary 21, 2021January 21, 2021
WASHINGTON, DC -- Among the many executive orders President Joe Biden signed on his first day in office, none may be more controversial than a directive to replace the so-called...
QAnon Claims Trump Presidency a Deep State Conspiracy to Get Democrats Elected
National Politics

QAnon Claims Trump Presidency a Deep State Conspiracy to Get Democrats Elected

The Takoma TorchJanuary 19, 2021
Looking to pass blame for Donald Trump’s presidency resulting in Republicans losing control of both elected branches of the federal government, supporters of the right-wing QAnon conspiracy now claim that...
Mike Pence Asks Trump For One Final Atomic Wedgie Before Leaving Office
National Politics

Mike Pence Asks Trump For One Final Atomic Wedgie Before Leaving Office

The Takoma TorchJanuary 17, 2021January 17, 2021
WASHINGTON -Vice President Mike Pence formally requested that President Donald Trump give him one final atomic wedgie to help the departing president cope with the pain of leaving office. “I...
Maryland General Assembly Apologizes For Not Making Any National Headlines
Local News

Maryland General Assembly Apologizes For Not Making Any National Headlines

The Takoma TorchJanuary 14, 2021January 14, 2021
ANNAPOLIS, MD - After the insurrection at the US Capitol last week, high expectations for a wild first day of the 442nd session of the Maryland General Assembly were unmet,...
New Vegan Doughnut Shop Helps White People of Takoma Park Find Courage to Cross Into DC Side
Business & Economy Local News

New Vegan Doughnut Shop Helps White People of Takoma Park Find Courage to Cross Into DC Side

The Takoma TorchJanuary 12, 2021January 13, 2021
After the grand opening of Donut Run on the Takoma DC side, white people of Takoma Park, Maryland, decided to courageously venture across the metro tracks into unfamiliar territory -...
Capitol Police Fired, Replaced With DC Building Permit Department Employees
Local News National Politics

Capitol Police Fired, Replaced With DC Building Permit Department Employees

The Takoma TorchJanuary 8, 2021January 8, 2021
WASHINGTON, DC - As highly trained government employees known for their ability to block anything from moving forward, the District of Columbia’s Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs (DCRA) replaced...
Trump Asks Georgia Secretary of State to Find Missing Golf Ball That Was Obviously a Hole-In-One
National Politics

Trump Asks Georgia Secretary of State to Find Missing Golf Ball That Was Obviously a Hole-In-One

The Takoma TorchJanuary 5, 2021January 5, 2021
AUGUSTA NATIONAL GOLF CLUB, GA - After wasting several hours searching Hole 11, Trump called Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger demanding help finding his golf ball that he swears...
Dr. Fauci Advises Tricking Conspiracy Theorists Into Taking COVID-19 Vaccine By Wrapping It in Cheese
National Politics Science and Tech

Dr. Fauci Advises Tricking Conspiracy Theorists Into Taking COVID-19 Vaccine By Wrapping It in Cheese

The Takoma TorchDecember 31, 2020December 31, 2020
WASHINGTON, DC - In his plan to get all Americans vaccinated and thereby end the COVID-19 pandemic, Dr. Anthony Fauci advises wrapping the vaccine inside a slice of cheese to...
Second Stimulus Bill Actually Just Cake
National Politics

Second Stimulus Bill Actually Just Cake

The Takoma TorchDecember 28, 2020
WASHINGTON, DC - In a surprise move, the White House took a knife to the recently enacted $2.3 trillion dollar government funding package, which includes a second round of pandemic...
Chevy Chase Neighborhood Adds New Restrictions on Gingerbread Houses
Local News

Chevy Chase Neighborhood Adds New Restrictions on Gingerbread Houses

The Takoma TorchDecember 24, 2020
CHEVY CHASE, MD - In an effort to fight off any form of new housing in their wealthy enclave, Section 3 of the Village of Chevy Chase adopted new supplemental...
Montgomery County Says Milk and Cookies For Santa Must Follow Outdoor Dining Rules
Business & Economy Local News

Montgomery County Says Milk and Cookies For Santa Must Follow Outdoor Dining Rules

The Takoma TorchDecember 21, 2020
Photo Credit - Suzy Hazelwood ROCKVILLE, MD - Beginning at 5 p.m. on Thursday, December 24th, all households setting out milk and cookies for Santa Claus must do so on...
7-11 at Takoma Metro To Be Demolished, Replaced With Mural of 7-11
Business & Economy Local News

7-11 at Takoma Metro To Be Demolished, Replaced With Mural of 7-11

The Takoma TorchDecember 18, 2020
TAKOMA, DC - Chain links fences have been erected around the 7-11 near the Takoma Metro station, signaling the start of construction on the building's replacement: a painted mural of...

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The Takoma Torch is local satire not intended for readers without a sense of humor. If you want to send samples of your work, or would like to advertise on our site, send an email to takomatorch@gmail.com. If you've been offended by our articles, send complaints to dcra@dc.gov | Copyright 2020 Takoma Torch | Theme: Infinity News by Themeinwp.