TPSS Co-Op Membership Now Includes Extra Votes in Local Election
Photo Credit - Sam Kittner TAKOMA PARK, MD - Members of the TPSS grocery co-op will be excited to learn that their 2020 membership includes a special new benefit: extra votes...
Amy Coney Barrett Looking Forward to Stripping Away Rights From Her Daughters
The Odious ACB showing how many rights her daughters will have if she is confirmed WASHINGTON, DC - During testimony at her Senate confirmation hearing, Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee...
Exclamation Point Endorses Kate Stewart for Mayor
TAKOMA PARK, MD - In a shocking turn of events, the well known Exclamation Point on mayoral candidate Roger Schlegel's logo has decided to jump ship and endorse incumbent Kate...
Amazon to Ship Takoma Park Orders in Etsy Boxes, Allowing Residents to Secretly Shop on Prime Day
TAKOMA PARK, MD - Residents can breathe a huge sigh of relief knowing Jeff Bezos has just announced that all Amazon Prime Day orders shipped to Takoma Park will be...
Report: City Construction Projects Way Over Budget Due to Paying All These Corporate Shills
TAKOMA PARK, MD - A recent audit conducted by a local freelancer determined that Takoma Park could save millions on municipal projects if wasteful payments weren't being made to all...
Trump Completes Ironman Triathlon on Day 4 of Covid Hospitalization
WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to prove he's perfectly fine and definitely not affected at all by COVID-19, President Trump completed the Ironman Triathlon Sunday morning in front of...
‘Conservative Feminism’ Movement Launched With Permission From Mitch McConnell
Republican women’s groups hoping to shore up the nomination of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court have launched a full scale effort to paint Barrett as a trailblazing “conservative...
Flower Avenue Road Construction Finally Complete, Ready To Be Torn Up Again
TAKOMA PARK, MD - As more than a decade of nonstop road construction on Flower Avenue has finally come to an end, residents are eagerly anticipating the commencement of a...
Takoma Park Residents Demand Financial Bailout For Buying Homes That Unfairly Tripled in Value
TAKOMA PARK, MD - After suffering through a decade of improved economic development, expanded city amenities, and increased property values, homeowners are threatening to leave Takoma Park unless they receive...
‘2020 Can’t Get Any Worse,’ Says Post-Apocalyptic Nation Living In Fall Out Shelters
With just a few months to go until the end of the year, the people living on the land formerly known as America believe the absolute worst of 2020 has...
Target Unveils New Line of Fire Resistant Gender Reveal Party Supplies
After a second major wildfire was ignited in California by a gender reveal party gone wrong, Target announced a new line of fire resistant party supplies intended to allow parents...
Trump Awards Himself Medal of Honor for Avoiding STDs in the 80’s and 90’s
WASHINGTON, DC - After multiple interviews were uncovered showing Donald Trump claiming he was a “brave soldier” for avoiding STDs while sleeping around in the '80's and ‘90's, the President awarded...