Maryland General Assembly Apologizes For Not Making Any National Headlines

ANNAPOLIS, MD – After the insurrection at the US Capitol last week, high expectations for a wild first day of the 442nd session of the Maryland General Assembly were unmet, causing state delegates and senators to apologize for not making any interesting national headlines.

“Knowing Trump would be impeached today, we were fully prepared for a coup attempt by noted extremist and crazy person Delegate Dan Cox,” said Del. Vaughn Stewart. “Luckily, the plexiglass COVID cages made to protect us from the virus also sound-proofed his outbursts and rendered him harmless. Maybe he’ll try again tomorrow.”

From the beginning of the session, it was clear the tone was set to be a boring one. The first order of business was to perform a roll call of all 188 members of the Senate and House of Delegates, with members socially-distanced all over the State House. After a brief delay while Del. David Moon chased a car thief out of the parking lot with his broom, every member was eventually confirmed present.

“It’s like the first day of school after a long summer break, except our summer break also includes the spring and the fall,” said Del. Eric Luedtke, referring to the 90 days that the Assembly is in session. “Nobody expects to do any real work on the first day back. It’s mostly spent showing off our new briefcases and trying to score an invite to Speaker Adrienne Jones’ lunch table in the cafeteria.”

COVID-based restrictions are expected to keep behavior during this 90-day session milder than normal, with sex scandals or other improprieties considered unlikely. Without free flowing alcohol at the numerous Annapolis bars located nearby, for example, bad decisions will probably be restricted to the actual Senate and House floors.

According to Delegate Kumar Barve, “Sure, we’ve sold some of the new members tickets to the alleged pool on the roof. But, as of today, zero people have been arrested for defecating in the State House or associated office buildings. This is a welcome departure from previous years.”

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