Confused By Prefix, Joseph Epstein Receives Colonoscopy From Dr. Pepper

WALL STREET – Believing that everyone daring to use the prefix “Dr.” must have a medical degree, Joseph Epstein mistakenly received a colonoscopy from a Dr. Pepper can earlier today.

“This is my problem with people just throwing around the term ‘doctor’ without a full grasp of what it really means,” said Epstein while walking bow-legged with a soda can stuck in his sphincter. “People like myself are going to get hurt. The number one danger facing America right now is too many people with non-medical doctorates.”

Epstein made headlines earlier this week for an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal criticizing First Lady-elect Dr. Jill Biden, a Ph.D. holder from an accredited university, for using the prefix she earned even though she isn’t a medical doctor. He has also sued the children’s book author, Theodor Geisel, for medical malpractice for tricking children into believing that hopping on pop was a physician-prescribed treatment.

“A wise man once told me ‘I’m representin’ for them gangstas all across the world. Hittin’ them corners in them low-lows, girl. Still takin’ my time to perfect the beat, and I still got love for the streets,” said Epstein, using a quote from Dr. Dre. “Can Jill Biden give that kind of medical advice? I don’t think so.”

Despite condemnation from both medical and academic professionals, several prominent Republicans rushed to defend Epstein from the counter response to his op-ed, including outgoing Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who was awaiting a pap smear from a pair of Dr. Martens boots.

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